From People-Pleaser to Purpose-Driven: Reclaiming Your Authentic Self

[00:00:00] By the end of this episode of the fallible man podcast with my special guest, Jerry Scarletto. You'll learn how even successful people struggle with their confidence issues. Learn how to start to build your confidence. If you struggle with that, learn how fear can keep you from your true potential and learn firsthand experience how to start over.

Cause Jerry had to learn this lesson the hard way, but he's got some great insights for us. And let's get into it.

Here's the million dollar question. How do men like us reach our full potential? Growing into the men we dream of being while taking care of our responsibilities, working, being good husbands, fathers, and still take care of ourselves? Well, that's the big question. In this podcast, we'll help you answer those questions and more.

My name is Brent and welcome to the Fallible Man Podcast.

Welcome to the Fallible Man podcast. You're home for all things, man, husband, and [00:01:00] father. Big shout out to Fallible Nation. That's our private community. There's more information about that down in the description of the show notes, whatever platform you're on and a warm welcome to our first time listeners.

Hey, we know there is a lot out there competing for your attention. So thanks for checking us out and giving us a chance. We really appreciate it. And I'd love to hear what you think of the show. You can catch up with me at the Fallible Man on every social media platform. My name is Brent today. My special guest is personal development coach.

Personal development coach and fellow podcaster, Jerry Scalotta. Jerry, welcome to the Fallible Man Podcast. Thanks brother. I appreciate you having me and a very impressive on that introduction. By the way, you've clearly practiced that a number of times. We've now aired a 250 episodes over the years. So I got to say that's like the one piece that stayed pretty solid.

That's pretty solid. Pretty much been my intro. Really? I was going to ask how long it took you to get, to get that intro, but it sounds like you did it pretty [00:02:00] quick. I, I tweaked it a little bit, but that's basically been the intro since day one. So how's your trivia skills? We like to start off pretty light here.

You can tell I'm not real serious first, especially when I'm starting out. Well, that's good. Cause my trivia skills are mediocre at best. So we're going to try, we're going to see what happens. Hey, at least, at least you're honest, right? Yeah. In what country do more than half of people believe in elves? Is it Norway, Russia, Holland, or Iceland?

I mean, I want to say Holland. And why that is, it's just because the name Holland sounds like something, some, like, sounds like a place I could believe in elves. That's the only rationale I can really come up with. Oh, there doesn't have to be rationales. It's trivia. Come on now. Very true. Hey guys, you know, the rules don't, don't cheat.

Don't look it up for God's sake. Don't write it down. If you're driving, just make your [00:03:00] guess. And we'll come back to that later, Jerry, in your own words, who is Jerry Scarletta, um, right now I would say changing because last year, and we can dig deeper into this right now, but last year at the middle of the year, I started going through two very big life changes, closing a business and getting And going through those two things at the same time requires you to do a lot of reflection and a lot of trying to understand who you are and then what you want to be, especially at 39 years old.

So right now, Jerry Scarlato is changing, not changing in the sense that I feel like I need to conform, but changing. And it's almost the complete opposite to be totally honest, but changing in the sense that I'm, I'm, I am showing myself [00:04:00] to the world. I like it. Self aware is good. Right. That's the right way to go.

What was your favorite subject in school? Math. Just because the simple answer is PE, but since that answer can't count, uh, math, because I was good at math, English. I was terrible at, I failed in English in college, at least once, maybe twice. My average English grade throughout my high school career and college career was probably a C or so math was always a math was always, I got, when I was like, 10 or 11 maybe.

I went to a um, I won a scholarship to like a math and science camp, which is very weird because I ended up being a jock. So, so, I don't know, just seems weird that I went to a science camp and a math camp at 10 or 11 years old. [00:05:00] Just the dichotomy there, but uh, math was always just something that I was, that I was good at and something that seemed, you know, it just, just made sense to me.

English for some reason, I don't know what it was, like I just never, I think it's because it's not, it was always the judgment of the teacher, of course, early English when you're learning grammar and things like that, that's one thing, but once you get to a certain point, you're basically, the teacher's deciding what your grade is, if they like your stuff or not, like, and I've, you know, I guess I had a problem with that as far as like, getting a grade is, but that's how the world is, like, People like you or they don't.

So I don't know. There's something to it. I'm not a big fan of subjectivists. I like like powerlifting competitions. I like watching those and I like strongman competitions because it it's just who did it. Right. Yep. Who completed the task the [00:06:00] best? Uh, I've always, I've never been a fan of bodybuilding cause it's too subjective to me.

Right. You've got a panel of four judges and it really boils down to what do they like to see. Right. Do they, they really want to see really well developed delts are big striations, right? It all comes down to the personality of the judges and their preferences. It's too subjective. I've seen people like watching at like the Arnold stuff win and I'm looking at the two guys that came down to I'm like No, right So yeah, I've never been a I loved English cause I was good at writing.

I was super good at BS. Like I could write a book report on something I had never read and you would know no idea. Um, but I knew exactly how to write to do that. But yeah, there was a, there was a lot of like, I got some papers [00:07:00] back. I'm like, I'm sorry. Why is the grade look like that? That was really good work.

Yeah. And they didn't like the subject matter I wrote about. I had a great paper or whatever. I had a good research paper that got trashed my freshman year because the teacher didn't approve of the subject. So how does that make you a teacher? It's my question. Like, that's what I have. Like, how does that make you a teacher?

How are you teaching someone to be better when you're judging based on whether or not you like what they're writing about? Like, that's not teaching anybody anything other than be judgmental. So, I don't know if you could have one superhero power. What would it be and why?[00:08:00]

Whoa, that's a good one. Let's think, um, 15 year old me wants to say see through, see through walls, but since I'm not 15 anymore, uh, I'm gonna go with, uh, honestly, and this is probably a little deeper than what you were expecting or asking for, uh, being able to take pain away and maybe not physical pain per se.

But like, ah, no, here, this one's better being able to give people belief in themselves, because one thing that hurts me the most, and one reason that I want to, like my professional life has been, has revolved around helping people is because like, it, it hurts me to see somebody who thinks they're not worth [00:09:00] it.

So. Like that belief in and of itself can change your trajectory of your life so much in so many different ways A lot of my work has been done in health and fitness and I believe that getting in the weight room Like that is one of the simplest ways to start to change that trajectory what you believe you're capable of and who you believe you are And yeah, it just it just hurts me to see People make like sabotage themselves because of the underlying belief that they're not worthy of actually achieving anything greater than what they currently are.

Not that, not that the person is a bad person, but their behaviors have gotten them to where they are and they're capable of more. So it hurts me to see. So watch that. And it hurts me to see that. So that would be the superpower helping other people, like [00:10:00] giving people the belief that they're capable and they're worthy of more.

It's original. I've never had that answer. Most people go for the, you know, the fly or, you know, pretty, pretty surface level right off the comic book page. So I like it. You've got your own approach. Well, that's why I first said 15 year old me wants to say, I want to be able to see through walls. But Every 15 year old boy wants to be able to see through walls.

Let's be honest there. What purchase of a hundred dollars or less have you made in the last year that's had the most profound impact on your life?

But this is hard because I don't buy a lot of stuff. So I would have to say only because it's actually helping me. Be able to do this, although in this moment, it's not because my microphone's not working, but this thing, [00:11:00] what's this thing called? Focus, right? Connects the microphone to the focus, right? And then the focus, right?

Can connect to the laptop. It seems simple, but I wanted to be able to get this, the microphone from here to here without it being too intricate. So this thing was able to do that. And, um, And ironically, it's not able to do that today. So my answer is this focus, right? But it's not working today. The microphone thingy, this not working that that's it.

Yeah. Yeah. It's really changed my life. It's really, it's really making things a lot better for me, but no, I mean, functionality, you know, functionality. I love it. I love it when things like that happen, honestly, like on the air, it's so much more fun, it's like, ironically, this is the good thing that happened to me.

Just not today. Yeah, just didn't, just isn't working out right now. Zombie apocalypse. What's your weapon of [00:12:00] choice?

Uh, a hatchet. Because, I don't think, do bullets kill zombies? Maybe they do, I don't know. I mean, I feel like a hatchet would just get the job done. Cause you can, eh. Don't go into that corner of your brain, Jerry. But you can, you can make sure that it's done. Right? Like you can see things fall apart. I don't know.

A hatchet seems, seems reasonable. There there's permanence. You got to with the headshot, right? Yeah. I've seen enough zombie movies. You gotta, you gotta hit them just right in the head with a gun. And that's what I feel like. Just people are not that good of shots. Honestly, there's also that I I've been a range instructor.

It's most people are just not that good of shots, honestly, especially under pressure. Well, we like to believe. You know, you got that visual of yourself, like, being the [00:13:00] gangster, or in like a western movie with like one hand out going, Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. First of all, that's probably the worst way to shoot.

Just like, hand out going like this, cause it's like the gun's gonna go all over the place. But, the second of all, even if you were to like, pretend like you're aiming, like, it's Guns still going to go all over the place and aim still just going to be terrible. But yeah, hatchet, you can be pretty precise.

Well, you know, as men, we all have that fantasy in our head where we, we take down a bear hand to hand, or we believe that we'd, we'd come out on top in any street fight. 99 percent of guys are like, Oh yeah, yeah. And I absolutely wouldn't if I got in a fight. It's amazing. The superhero going back to that superhero thing, like the superhero you are in your brain.

Bye. The question is, are you training for it? But anyway. Right. I, my, my friend said something. I was like, dude, you haven't been in a fight in over 30 years. What are you talking about? [00:14:00] 20 minutes. It would have built like to get punched. Yeah. Let me, let me punch you. Tell me if you're going to get back up.

Yeah. That's funny. My wife showed me a meme. Two guys got arrested because they put on, like Alabama because they put on body armor and we're drinking and shooting each other.

I thought it was perfectly okay. And as the guy, I was like, Yeah, that's cool.

Makes sense to me. I don't know. Right. Um, my wife showed it to me cause she knew my brain would go. Yeah. I could have seen me doing that at some point. I think about being a teenager, speaking of being 15 years old. And it's like, man, I can't judge the teenagers. Although teenagers nowadays, I feel like are a lot more subdued on average, but it's hard to judge a younger [00:15:00] guy because I'm like, I did dumber crap than that, right.

You know, I mean, I did plenty of dumb stuff. I didn't do that luckily enough, but you know, shoot up friends, but it's a plenty of dumb stuff. Oh yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, you're, you're right there in close the same age group. I am right on that turning point. And what is one thing that everybody should know about you, Jerry, before we dig in?

One thing that everybody should know about me is

dang,

is that I've played three instruments in my life, which is ironic that I say that because you think it'd be [00:16:00] a little more profound, but I think it just goes to show. I still play guitar. I still kind of play piano and I played violin for A couple years, but I believe that men especially don't show their creative side often enough or don't explore their creative side often enough.

And I think that music, especially instruments is a great way to do that. Guitar, piano. Yeah. I mean, the number of instruments out there, those are just two of the simplest ones to kind of start with and the ones that you can kind of like delve into. But I think a lot of people think Of creative creativity is like being able to match colors together and to paint a picture and to do all that stuff Which that kind of stuff i'm definitely not good at I still can't color inside the lines So like don't ask me to go draw on anything pretty but everyone has their own level of creativity in [00:17:00] them.

And so It's figuring out how to come how to Teach yourself to let that thrive inside of you instead of holding it back. So, um, You know, I don't think that most people look at me like I was talking to a guy at the gym Last week and he saw one of my pictures on instagram of me playing guitar And he was like, man, I was just surprised to see that and I was like, why do you say that?

He's like, I don't know you go ask any of these guys in this gym today If they play any instruments and they'll go no, that's that's stupid. Why would I play an instrument? I'm like, you know Say something obscene about it, but I just think that because of that belief that it's not Potentially a feminine thing to do to do something creative that you're just holding a lot of things back.

So that would be it guys We've been spending some time. Just getting to know who Jerry is in the next part of the show. We're dive into Self confidence potential and life [00:18:00] changes. We're gonna roll our sponsor and we'll be right back with more from Jerry Scarlatta Are you tired of tossing and turning at night, searching for that elusive perfect pillow, or just better bedding in general?

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And this part of the show, we're going to discuss self confidence potential and life changes. Now, Jerry. It was really interesting when I was getting ready for the show, you talked about, you struggle with self confidence issues from an early age, despite having a pretty decent life. Uh, I was really taken with the fact, like there's no sad story.

There's no, what was me? I grew up hard. [00:20:00] Um, you had a pretty decent mid mid middle America life with parents that loved you and supported you. I'm curious. At this point in hindsight, have you had any revelations about where the self confidence issues strung from or any particular cause or? Uh, so I believe a lot of us get our isms from our parents.

And so, and it's, it's based on the parent. This is my theory. It's based on the parent that you wanted love from the most. My mom, I always knew that she loved me, cared about me. She was, she would give her soul to anybody. Like if you asked her, Hey, can I have your soul? She would give it to you. And she wouldn't even ask a question.

Yes. Here have my soul. You can take it. My dad, again, very loving and caring person, but he showed it. In a in a much different way. He didn't he wasn't very open with his with his um, Encouragement and things like that. [00:21:00] He was always looking for the way to improve Well, you could have done this better and you could have done that better and this that other thing and he did it in A very intense way.

He just talked very intense. He's only five four. So he's got short man Syndrome, he he'll openly admit that although now he just says he likes to talk intensely but I'm still convinced even at eight years old, he's still a short man syndrome. Um, but at any rate, at any rate, uh, so I sought love and care from my dad.

Now, again, in hindsight, I knew he loved and cared about me again. He didn't abuse, there was never any physical abuse, even verbal abuse, but he was just very intense about what he expected out of us, and especially me being his only son, he wanted me to be a certain way and he wanted me to play football and be a, be a sports star and so on and so forth.

So I feel like, especially through high school, at least at the time, I felt like there wasn't a whole lot that I could do to [00:22:00] make him happy, even though it was just him conveying in a different way that he wanted me to improve. All he did was want me to get better. He wanted me to improve, but since in my mind, he was only looking at the things that I needed to improve on instead of saying, Hey, here's the things that you did good.

Here's the things you did great. You know, not that I think that you need to always pat a kid on the back. There's gotta, there's, there's somewhere where it's like, they need to know what they did well, but of course you need to improve. Of course, there's always a place that you can go where you can, where you can find something that you can improve on.

So when I think about it, that's a lot of what it was is trying to figure out in my younger years, like how to get that approval from my father. I know that he approved of me. I know that he, he loved me and cared about me, but as a [00:23:00] youngster and growing up in my teens, late teens, and even early twenties, because I played football in college too.

And so, you know, a lot of the same feedback was always there. That's kind of what that was is I'd never felt confident enough that what I was doing was good enough. I never felt like what I was, what I was doing was, was. Was progressing me well enough, even though I was, you know, I was a good athlete. I was all state and, and track my junior and senior year all in Northern Kentucky and football, my junior and senior year, I was a good athlete, but to be totally honest, excuse me, I never felt like, I never felt like I was good enough.

So that's, that's where I think it, I feel like it comes from. Do you think that turned you into kind of a people pleaser moving forward in life? A hundred percent. Most definitely. That is, that is spot on because going back to, [00:24:00] um, what I talked about at the beginning of this last year, I started going through a divorce and we were married for 10 years and I would, she wanted me to be a different person than I knew that I was at my heart.

But I would sabotage myself to try and get to be the person she wanted me to be. I would do things to try and get to be the person that she, that she wanted out of me. Now, I'm not blaming her by any means. I was making the choice to do it, but it never felt right. And when I was by myself, I would still do things that I believed what were right, that she maybe didn't believe was right.

And that's what really created, started that tension between us. But that's just one example of how I, how I've done that in my life is trying to make her, [00:25:00] trying to fit her box, trying to, you know, fit a square peg into a round hole, which can't be done. And, um, well now we're divorced, so I'm not saying that that's the main reason, but that's just one example of how I was, how being a people pleaser got me in trouble.

I appreciate that because I was going to ask you how that, how that impacted you. So say, Hey, you're, we're on a great wavelength today. You're like, you're right where I'm going. So out of curiosity with that, cause I see this with a lot of guys who struggle with self confidence issues and, and, you know, start to lean into that people pleaser, did you struggle with.

feeling like you didn't fit or wanting to social acceptance as well? Was that an issue? Um,

sometimes yes, but to be totally honest, [00:26:00] I've never really been all that concerned about being socially accepted by everybody in high school. I was, I had groups, I had many groups of friends. I had jocks, a group of friends that were jocks. I had a group of friends that were potheads. I had a group of friends that were in the band.

I had a group of friends that were, you know, The car guys and they tapered with cars so I don't think that I was able to be in those groups because I was trying to please all of them I think I was able to be in those groups each one of those groups because at the time I was actually being myself and I just accepted everybody for who they were like these are all just people and I just I just accept them for who they are and I have no problem with who you are as a person unless of course You start to do a bunch of amoral things which I don't agree with But, like, I think that that's a big [00:27:00] reason why, uh, why I was able to, like, jive with a bunch of different groups.

Because I wasn't all that concerned about, like, people pleasing each group. Because when you start to please, when you're trying to please one particular group, then you're gonna inevitably alienate other groups. Like, that's definitely gonna happen. However, I, people please with people who are closer to me.

With people who I'm in either an intimate relationship with, or With family and, and things like that. So those are the ones where I, I feel like I get myself in trouble because I'm doing things and saying things to try and make them happy instead of conveying the truth to what I actually believe. Does that make sense?

Yeah. Yeah. It's all, I'm always curious how things, right. Things manifest differently for some people. Um, like I said, I've met a lot of people who move into that self confidence [00:28:00] issues, then into the people pleasing. And they also like, they're just so desperate to feel accepted by everything that that's leads more into the people pleasing.

And so sometimes you see it, sometimes you don't, but I'm always curious how manifest with people, because I think we're talking about something that's very valuable. There are a lot of guys out there struggling with self confidence.

So as you were growing up, you said you never felt like you were that great, right? Uh, you were, you were a decent athlete or a good athlete, honestly, from the sound of it, but you didn't feel like you were a good athlete. And you mentioned in your bio that you just blow that off. Like, right. When you were younger with pointing fingers, what was your favorite excuse?

Just out of curiosity. What was the go to excuse? It was either[00:29:00]

I didn't I didn't try as hard as I could have. So like, if I didn't do well in a race or something like that, I would say something along the lines of, well, it's because I didn't try as hard as I, as I could have either during the race or in practices leading up to the race. So my effort level, I could blame on the outcome or it was other people, usually coaches it's, it's because of this coach didn't like me that I didn't get to.

You know, I didn't get to start at this game, or it's because this coach didn't like me, that I didn't get to run the race that I wanted to race. So it was either an effort thing, well, I didn't try. I didn't try hard enough, so of course I didn't do as well as I could have, or it's because someone who has control.

Didn't put me in the position that [00:30:00] I believed at the time would have led me to be successful. How does that taste in your mouth today? Um like dirt Like dirt to be totally honest because the idea

even the idea that You would not give, and here's the thing. Sometimes here's the, here's the real ironic part. There were, there were probably times where I would not give my effort because I was scared of actually being beat. And I was scared of actually being taken over, if you will. So track was one of my big things.

And there was one time where we had a race off because we were trying to figure out who was going to be the last leg of the four by four, for those of you who don't know what a four by four is. It's a. 400 meter relay where four guys run 400 meters and they're heading off [00:31:00] at the time. So we were trying to figure out who was going to be the last leg.

And I was in the race and there were, I think, two other guys in the race. So during that race, I didn't, and this, this hurts me to say this out loud, but during that race, I did not give my all and I didn't win the race because I was actually scared of, if I did try. That I would actually get beat. So instead, I controlled whether or not I got beat.

I just went ahead and let myself get beat instead of actually putting the effort in. Now, the idea of that today hurts and cringes whenever I think about that idea. Whenever I even say those words out loud, it just, it like, it's like chalk, it's like nails on a chalkboard. It's like that kind of feeling.

Because, I don't believe today that there is any [00:32:00] circumstance that anybody should be held back by. Not to say that everyone has different circumstances, and everyone has different things to overcome. Because certainly, some people have further to go than other people, and some people's circumstances are, quote, easier or harder than other people's.

That is a fact, most definitely. The question is, what can you actually do about it? And you can always put in the full effort, no matter what the circumstances, you can always put in the full effort. So having that belief today, thinking about, I wouldn't be who I am today and have the beliefs I am today if I had not gone through that at some point.

So I wouldn't, I'm not saying that I would, I regret that or that, you know, I would go back and change that, but it is like nails on a chalkboard whenever I think about it and whenever I say that. I, yeah, I was, it's. That hindsight, [00:33:00] as you age, you look back at some of it and it's like, Ooh, Ooh, I used to, I used to do that.

That's bad. Right. And you're just like, I can't believe it. And it's, it's all part of the learning curve, but I was curious how that felt at this point. Now I'm curious, what was the turning point at some point? And you said in your bio is about 39. You had had all these realizations. What was the turning point with the self confidence issue where it just clicked and you went, you know what?

No, I'm not going to do this. Well, so I'm a methodical thinker, if that's a way to put it, I think internally and I process internally. So it was, it was probably more of a think through process and then action process. [00:34:00] The action was the moment where I was like, no, it's time to actually start to change this.

Because to be totally honest today, there's still plenty of areas where I'm like, I don't, I'm not confident that like, I'll give you an example. I'm completely starting almost from scratch. I closed a business last year. I got divorced last year and now I'm starting a business online. I purchased a business before it was brick and mortar.

Now I'm starting a business online and moving forward, which is Completely different kind of realm. So in making that transition, I'm confident that I can do the work and make the steps and do the actions that need to be done. I'm not confident that I'm going to be able to achieve the things that I want to achieve.

So I have to focus my efforts on doing the work and building confidence and building the belief [00:35:00] around the daily tasks. I can do today's tasks, and that's what I can do. Whether or not I achieve the ultimate outcome, only, will only happen if I do what I can do today. But to go back to the internal processing, probably a couple years ago at this point, I started feeling and thinking internally about how my relationship at the time was, and how it felt like things just weren't right.

And things at the gym, I owned a fitness studio also for 10 years. Ironically, uh, things at the gym were fine and they were okay, but things in my relationship just for a couple of years, it had just not felt right. They felt like things weren't lining up. Like I said, it felt like there was a square, a square peg trying to fit into a, a round hole.

And it just didn't, it just didn't line up. So over the course of a couple of years, I kept like [00:36:00] processing and thinking, and it's this. Is this the way that this is supposed to be? And I just don't feel like things are right for me. And I don't feel confident about how things are going, both in my relationship and in my career.

And are they playing off of each other? And then finally, we got to a point in our relationship last year where I just made a decision and our separation was based around my personal decision, mostly. We both had kind of these feelings, but I'm the one that kind of started things. And it was based around my decision that I'm not going to continue to live what I felt like was a lie.

Where on one side, I was trying to people please and become a person that she wanted me to become. In which case, I did not feel confident in that at all. And on the other case, I knew that I was something different. In which case, I felt like I could be confident in who I believed that I actually [00:37:00] was. So, that divorce process started.

During that time, the business was still going well. And then there was a moment where the business, I just had this epiphany about the business. And it was almost like this epiphany of like, I feel like I could do and expand my horizons more if I break myself off from what's going on in my life and just completely change and shift.

So it's almost like when I decided. That I was going to shift and become the person I was going to become. In which case I would feel confident in. I cut everything off and then just shift it, like turn the other direction and then just went at it. So it was a long process of internal thinking to then make a choice and do it and turn and move forward.

If that makes sense. [00:38:00] It does. It does. I was three, uh, reorganize any questions. Sorry. I take notes while I'm talking to people, I guess it's like, Oh, he said this. I want to go there. Right. All those guys, we've been discussing self confidence and potential and life changes. And as I was, Jerry's got a lot that he's been going on the last couple of years with, and in the next part of the show, he's going to help us with the concepts of starting over and, uh, More like there's more like so much more to this conversation.

So we're going to roll our sponsor. We'll be right back with more from Jerry's Carlotta, struggling to catch quality Z's at night. It's time to change that narrative. Sleep. Isn't just a luxury. It's the crucial component for your overall wellbeing for managing your weight to boosting muscle growth, reducing stress, and even enhancing your daily performance.

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com to bring you this discount. So head to ghostbed. com, unlock a sweet 30 percent discount on your order using the code fallible. Don't wait any longer to upgrade your sleep quality. Let's make tonight the start of a better sleep and a better day is ahead. Now let's dive back into the show. Guys, welcome back in the last part of the show.

We spent some time talking about confidence and potential and life changes. And this part of the show, we're going to dive into starting over, which is a terrifying concept for a lot of us. Uh, I'm 44. I sure as hell don't want to start over on things in my life, but unfortunately had done that several times.

And Jerry is at a turning point in his life where he's facing that before we dive straight down that rabbit hole. I do want to ask, you [00:40:00] know, there are a lot of men out there who struggle with their self confidence. Do you have any suggestions since you've been changing this over in your own life? Do you have any suggestions on how they can start to change that internal conversation for themselves?

I think it starts with being comfortable. Being honest with yourself. There's a quote that I love. And I think about every day from a psychologist named Carl Young. Unless you make the unconscious conscious, it will dictate your life and you will call it fate. I think, I believe, unless you are honest with yourself about who you are, about what you're doing, and if it's bringing fulfillment in your life, but in what you believe about yourself and what things you could potentially improve about yourself.

Unless you're being honest about those things, then confidence is, [00:41:00] you can't just convince yourself into confidence. You can't just tell yourself to be confident. If you're the kind of person who, if you have covered up the belief that you need to lose weight, for instance, if you've been told, or you just, you just known for a long time that I need to do something about my health, or I need to do something about, you know, the structure of my body.

But you just keep covering it up and you keep telling yourself something different, or you buy yourself different clothes to make yourself look different, or you distract yourself with social media or whatever. You're not going to tell yourself into confidence. You're not going to convince yourself into, Oh, I'm going to go ahead and be confident, even though there's this underlying subconscious that knows that you need to get your health under control.

That's just a perfect example because so many men. Don't have their health under control. So being honest with [00:42:00] yourself about what you need to change and then actually starting to make small steps to change it, that's actually what builds confidence. You don't convince yourself into it. You don't just tell yourself, well, I'm just going to be confident.

Even if I don't actually enjoy what I'm doing, or even if I'm not bringing my full intention to work, or even if I'm not completely, you know, happy with how my health and fitness is. I'm going to go ahead and be confident. It's unrealistic to think that way. You actually have to start taking steps to do it and not trying to attach yourself to the outcome of the thing, but attaching yourself to taking the steps and building confidence and making and taking the steps and becoming the kind of person who takes the steps.

There's a whole rabbit hole to go down when it comes to actually taking the steps, but that's where building confidence actually comes. It's in. Knowing that you're the kind of person [00:43:00] that will take the steps and follow through with your word and build the best version of yourself that you believe that you can be.

Thank you for that. I've had so many people like, Oh, well, I've got this mantra and it's making more, it's not making me more confident. You know, stuff drives me nuts. And to be totally honest, like in my early twenties, like I tried that kind of stuff. I've tried things about, you know, man, you know.

manifestation and this that and other thing and there's little bits and pieces that you can pull from different areas that work and make sense but like mantras and sayings and this that and other thing like all it is is like you you gotta you gotta actually start doing it you can't just tell yourself that you're That you're fitting in shape, but you're not actually fitting in shape.

Oh, i'm as healthy as i'm gonna be. Well, no, no, no, no, no, like you can't tell yourself that That's not the way that it's going to [00:44:00] be you actually have to start to do it Because your subconscious mind knows and understands whether or not you can tell it whatever you want to tell it Your subconscious mind knows what's happening.

Like it knows the truth. So once you start taking the steps That's when your subconscious mind goes. Oh, okay. So this is real. I like it I've been told I don't talk enough catchphrases I laugh so hard. I see people who talk about personal development. They got all these catchy phrases and they're easy to memorize and repeat.

It was like, Oh, okay. Yeah. I mean, you talk more catchphrases, right? It just feels, it feels icky sometimes, man. It's like, I know the intentions are good, right? You can't, you can't overlook the intentions, but at the same time, it's like, you see it and you're like, It's just like, you want to wipe it off of you.

I felt dirty. I do. I get that people want to something they can [00:45:00] latch on to repeat to themselves. Uh, I've, I've met a couple of personal development guys who just, I swear to God, everything they say is a catchphrase. Like they, that is their whole dialogue. And I'm like, Can we stop? Can we stop? I, I, I can't do it.

I don't feel like for me, that's not authentic as a, as a person, as a personal development guy. And so, yeah, I, I feel yucky when people throw that out there all the time. Like, I'm sure there's a point to being, having a good like slogan, but the, the, just the constant catchphrases I hear over and over again, the personal development industry just, Oh yeah, now I'm grossed out entirely.

I am totally with you. And like I said, to be totally honest, like I've been, you know, I've been down that road. My early twenties, I've tried that kind of thing. I watched a video of myself. I was probably, I don't, it was early twenties and I'm sitting here watching the video and I'm like, who is this [00:46:00] person?

Like, what is, what am I doing? Like, that's exactly what I do. I'm like, I need to go take a shower. I don't know what in the world I just watched, but that was not cringe. It didn't feel, it's not like it was bad in the, Oh, that looks bad, but it's like, it felt fake. It felt, and I'm like, Oh man. I was trying too hard.

Like, that's what, that's exactly what it was. Catchphrases and this, that other thing, like just do the work. No, I laughed so hard. I actually had a reviewer be like, you know, when he, when he stops the persona and you know, just becomes real, the show's going to be great. Cause he's got a real good foundation, but I just, I feel like it's, it's so fake, this, this persona he puts on.

It's like, you have no idea. You don't know me. Cause. And that, that just the idea of putting it on a persona just makes me, uh, so it cracked me up. Love it. That's one of those, and I left it up, right? [00:47:00] I don't take that into my abuse, but it just cracked me up because I like texted it to a couple of friends and I got all these like rolling on the floor emojis and crap back from my friends.

It's like, Oh God, what they don't know. You know, this is the kind of obnoxious you are all the time. Prince. Yes, yes, yes. That's me. You, you hit this hard reset at 39. You walked away from business. You, you decided to get out of your marriage and change up there. Were there any fears that almost kept you from pulling the trigger on that?

Or did the possibilities outweigh the fears? The possibilities had to outweigh the fears. Otherwise I, I wouldn't have followed through with it to be totally honest. So one of the things. In business, I have never had a big problem doing what needs to be done. Like my dad was an entrepreneur and [00:48:00] I watched him do what was necessary in order to make his businesses succeed.

Now he did some things that I wouldn't do myself, but that's another story. At any rate, I would have no, like, I, I've never had a problem. Like if I need to, if I need to go live in a van down by the river, which if you understand that quote, you are a very good person. But if I need to go live in a van down by the river for a while in order to do what I need to do in order to make the next shift in my life, then that's what I'll do.

Like in business, I haven't had that problem. But like I said before, in personal relationships, I'm a people pleaser. And one thing that I had for years had a hard time with because in my relationship, it was a couple of years before we actually got divorced that I started to have that feeling that things just aren't right.

It was two or three years before that. So for those two or three years, I was contemplating, oh, the things just aren't right. And I had contemplated leaving and [00:49:00] trying, you know, starting a separation and so on and so forth, but I didn't want to hurt her. My fear was hurting her. My fear was her having to go through it.

And I finally got to the point in the relationship where I'm like, I'm not doing either one of us any justifications by following through. If I don't believe that this thing is going to work, then I'm actually doing her harm by dragging her along with me. So it was almost looking at the fear and going, yeah, that's true that I don't want to hurt her.

I don't want her to have to go through this, but at the same time, I don't want her or I to live another 10 years, 20 years, 30 years or whatever, and still be in this mediocre feeling relationship. So it wasn't only the possibility of, Hey, I believe that there's something different on the other side of this.

It was also looking at the fear and going. Confronting myself with the fear and [00:50:00] going what is actually holding me back about this and what else is true about this fear? Yes, it's true that I don't want to hurt her But it's also true that I don't want to drag her along and I don't want to drag me along I don't want to keep living the life that I've lived over the last couple of years where I felt Uneasy and felt like things weren't right and she hasn't been happy either and that's been very clear so at some point it's either make a decision or Or This is going to continue to move on.

Now there's things we could have done. Of course, we kind of tried a few things here and there as far as counseling and things like that goes. But at any rate, like that's kind of the pool that I had in my mind was confronting the fear, recognizing the fear, staring at it and trying not to be pulled back toward the direction of comfort because protecting her was my comfort.

Making sure that she [00:51:00] wouldn't be hurt and wouldn't have to go through that was my comfort. But that was also going to be my and her long term misery. So I had to overcome that feeling and that pull.

Now, you, you say that there are two key beliefs, or sorry, two keys that are necessary to effectively start over. So let's talk about those for a little while. So, we've hit on this a couple of times, excuse me, throughout this conversation already. Thank you. Who you are and who you, what you believe you can accomplish.

So one of the things that I looked at when I started to make those two big changes in my life last year was both of those things that lasted 10 years, my marriage and the business were both 10 years old at that point. And I looked at the previous 10 years [00:52:00] and I said, who have I been during those 10 years?

And what have I accomplished during those 10 years? And if I keep going for the next 10 years. And keep up that same pace. Am I going to feel like I can accomplish a purpose that I feel like I can fulfill and actually be able to reach a level of helping people that I feel like I can fulfill and fulfillment in my personal life as well.

So that thought was based on the previous 10 years versus the next 10 years. And when I thought about it, I thought, well, I didn't feel like I was being myself. Maybe not the whole 10 years, but for a good part of that 10 years, I didn't feel like I was being myself. I felt like I was trying to people please and trying to make my wife happy, trying to fit what she wanted me to be.

So I wasn't [00:53:00] being who I truly believed I was. And in that I was not feeling fulfilling my potential because whenever you try and fill other people's expectations of you, you're never fulfilling your own. And so you're never going to actually let yourself fully go. And you're never going to actually fulfill the potential that you can be.

You're never going to become the person and achieve the level of success in any of your life that you can actually achieve. So I didn't see that there was a big congruent, incongruence in my mind about who I was and what I was achieving. So when I made that decision, I'm. I'm like, okay, I'm cutting ties.

And when I move forward, I need to make sure that I'm being purposeful, being purposeful about showing the world who I am about not holding back and not trying to fulfill anybody else's expectations of who [00:54:00] I am. And as I do that, I will start to see what is actually achievable. I will start to, I'll start to show, like, I'll start to show myself what is actually achieved.

Because you don't know what's actually achievable because. You're so caught up in your own head about where you are today, instead of taking the actions that are necessary to get you to where you want to go. You're so concerned about, well, here's where I am today, and here's where I want to go. And there's this huge gap between the two.

Instead of going, okay, here's where I am today, and today, here's what I can do to get here. Here's what I can do today to get here. But in order to do that, I need to be me and I need to make sure that I'm fulfilling it through my expectations and not fulfilling other people's expectations of me. Now, at the beginning of the show, you said that math [00:55:00] was your favorite subject.

Part of it was a big part of it was you were good at math. It made sense. You excelled at it on the other side of this conversation, as we're coming across to this side of it, contrast, how it feels for you now to be doing something that you believe you're aligned with, that you believe you're good at.

That you believe you're supposed to be doing in your life.

Uh, it feels effortless, which is ironic because a lot of people look at,

look at people who own a business or people who do things for themselves and they go, well, that must be nice because blah, blah, blah, but I have to live this life. I have to live this job and that's what I have to do, but that's hard. Like living a life that is not your life is tough going to a nine to five job that you don't.

Bring some purpose to [00:56:00] not that everyone can't do, you know, it's unrealistic maybe to think that, well, just do whatever you feel purposeful about. Like, okay, but you can bring purpose to your job. You can find some purpose in it. You can find some, some way to bring more of yourself to it. So, but whenever you do that, it feels much more effortless.

Like it just feels easy. Not that it's easy, it's not easy, don't get me wrong, like, but it feels easy if that makes any sense, like, it just feels effortless, like you and I have talked off camera a little bit about podcasting and so on, and how it just feels like, it's like the moment that it feels hard and the moment that it's not enjoyable, that's the moment that I'm going to stop doing it, because then it just, it just feels like, I don't know, it's not part of me anymore, but whenever you're doing something that feels purposeful to you, It just feels effortless.[00:57:00]

Now guys, if you're getting something out of this, if this conversation is registering with you, be sure and do all that good social media nonsense that you know, I hate click the like button, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, comment on whatever fricking platform viewers review there. I did the good social media plug, but I'm supposed to do.

I hate that part of the show. Everybody knows it. Now, Jerry, what are the first three steps our listeners can take? from this conversation to start making positive changes in their life. Step one, I'll go back to this. I just said it a second ago. Speaking of those sayings that we're talking about, unless you make the unconscious conscious, it will dictate your life and you will call it fate.

So step one is confronting the things that you are not happy [00:58:00] about in your life because most people, we don't like feeling unhappy. So we ignore the things that make us feel unhappy. Since health and fitness has been my career. That's the example I usually go back to most people when it comes to their health, they cover it up in some way.

If they're overweight, they just buy bigger clothes. They don't look in a mirror, whatever the thing is, just because you're denying, it doesn't mean that it's not still a fact if it needs to happen. Confront it, confront it and show yourself to yourself. This is what needs to happen. So you have to start by.

Accepting the things that you're denying. Once you start to do that, then you can make a change. So step one, you have to accept what you're denying. You have to confront yourself with the things that you're not, you're, you're trying to ignore. [00:59:00] Number two, once you've accepted it, once you've recognized it and you've quit denying it, number two, you have to take action on it.

It makes perfect sense, but you have to start doing something about it. You can't worry about the ultimate outcome that you have to do. If you have to lose 50 pounds, you can't think about, I have to lose 50 pounds. Yes. That's a long way away. Yes. It's going to be hard. Yes. It's going to be challenging, but you can start something today in order to do that.

You can start some step today in order to do that. And then once today's gone and tomorrow shows up, you There's something you can do tomorrow, but all you have to do is focus on what you can do today. So start by accepting, then move to finding one thing that you can do. One action. It doesn't matter what it is.

Choose something. Choose and decide. Uh, I love [01:00:00] decide. The word comes from decidere, which I believe is how it's pronounced in Latin, D E C I D E R E, which literally means to cut off. So when you decide, you are cutting off other options. So decide on a plan of action, decide on something to do and start to do it.

And then step three, this is, I'm laughing because it's simple and people think that it's so confusing. Step three is just keep going. Just, just keep showing up. Keep doing that thing until it quits working. Once it quits working, find something else to do and then do it. And those are literally like, that's, if you do that and you iterate that over and over and over again, you'll be a different person in 12 months than you are today.

And there's no question about it. Start by accepting yourself. Pick one action to do, do that over [01:01:00] time and repeat. I like it. I like it. What's next for Jerry Scalato or however I'm butchering your name and tell us about the good wolf project while you're at it. So the good wolf project is my podcast, which I've had for 12 months now.

I started it last year to kind of, uh, scratch and itch, if you will, both on the personal side and just on the. You know, what I see out in the world side, health and fitness is an area that so many people need, need help in, which is ironic because again, the health and fitness industry is freaking gigantic.

People spend absurd, absurd amounts of money on their health and fitness. Um, and yet we are as overweight and obese and unhealthy and unfit as we've ever been. So Good Wolf Project is to help people find the best version of [01:02:00] themselves, not only through health and fitness, but. Also through shifting your mindset, changing who you believe about yours, uh, what you believe about yourself and what you believe you're capable of achieving.

So my goal is grow that as much as I can. And then on top of that, here in the next couple of months, I'll be launching the Good Wolf Academy, which is, uh, which will be my coaching platform. Well, where I'll be, um, uh, coaching people and how to. Build their health and fitness, build a mindset, figure out who they are, and then expand who you believe that, uh, what you believe you're capable of.

Don't let anybody tell you, you have to, you should do it differently. I was told by a professional video coach, like three months into my podcast, The, my show would never grow that I would never succeed because [01:03:00] I'm not niche enough. Right. You, you hear that in our industry a lot, down these down, right? The problem is a whole person isn't that simple.

And when you start trying to change your life, you, you don't just change your fitness. You don't just change your overall health. You don't just change your knowledge base or your personal development habits. It's a holistic thing to do guys to grow. You are so multifaceted. You are so much deeper than people want to give them in a credit for.

And so it all works together. It's symbiotic. And so you can't like, you know, stick your finger in this hole to fix it and think is going to fix every other hole in the dam. Uh, so I love that you're sticking with both your health and wellness work and in the personal development work, because it's all part of the same thing.

A hundred percent. Just like people [01:04:00] try and tell you that Jerry, where's the best place for people to connect with you? Uh, right now it's on Instagram at Jerry Scarlato. All right, guys. And as always, we'll have Jerry's connection points down in the show notes, the description, whatever platform you're listening to this on, or happen to be watching this on, you'll be able to find it there.

We'll make sure you guys can connect. And we all know you're so freaking worried about where half the people actually believe in elves, uh, which I thought was just a funny question. Anyways, when I found this on the internet, like I just looked these up on the internet. I do. I do check them when I can, because I checked one the other day.

It was a question about what band recorded something. And the band wasn't even part of the list. Like I actually looked up the song. It was like the band who recorded this isn't even in this list of multiple choice, but the country in which more than half people actually believe in elves, you guessed Holland.

The answer is Iceland. [01:05:00] Apparently they believe in elves in Iceland. And Hey, wouldn't that just be kind of cool. Now, Jerry, wrap us out. If our listeners heard nothing else in this entire congregation, con con you, you, they heard me not be able to talk, uh, if our listeners heard nothing else in this, the entire breadth of this conversation, because we've covered a lot of important topics here, what is the one thing you want them to hear today?

It would go back to the superpower that I would have. If I had a superpower, it would be to give everybody the belief in themselves. That they can achieve more than what they're currently achieving. The belief in themselves that they are worth putting the effort in, that they are worth the value. They are worth the sacrifice.

They are worth the time it's going to take. They are worth the effort it's going to take. That's the one thing that I would say, the one thing that I wish everyone would be able to [01:06:00] believe more of in themselves, that they are worth the effort and they are worth the sacrifice. Guys for myself and Jerry, thanks for hanging out with us today and being part of the conversation As always be better tomorrow because what you do today, and we'll see on the next one This has been the fallible man podcast You're home to everything man husband and father be sure to subscribe so you don't miss a show head over to www.

thefallibleman. com For more content and get your own fallible man gift I'm not takin I ain't waitin and wishin I'm not takin