Unraveling the Impact of Your Parents Divorce on Your Relationships

Unraveling the Impact of Your Parents Divorce on Your Relationships

D Brent Dowlen: [00:00:00] Do you have trouble trusting people or often feel worthless or inadequate? Do you dread holidays in special occasions where parents steps and ex steps are all present? Do you struggle with anger or that feeling that things in your life can fall apart at any moment? Well, you're not alone. Divorce has become so common that over 50% of marriages are ending in divorce.

The fact is at least 50% of you listening are divorced or your parents are, or both your parents may have gotten divorced when you were a child or after you became an adult, which has become even more common than earlier divorce. You know, sticking it through for the kids and all. You probably know that their divorce had an impact on you, but are you aware of how much it impacted you?

I'm not talking about the awkward family holidays and get togethers that everybody dreads after a divorce. The fact is, your parents' divorce may be undermining every relationship you have and you may not even realize it's affecting you. Today I am talking with Kent Darcie, who spent the [00:01:00] last 20 years working with adults who have divorced parents.

Give our audience idea why people should listen to this episode and what they're gonna get outta this conversation. 

Kent Darcie: You know, uh, Brent, I was in denial for 30 years that my parents divorce had actually impacted me. Not a big deal. Holidays are a hassle, but overall I'm okay. And I learned that I was not okay, that in fact it was still impacting me and in negative ways I couldn't have imagined.

D Brent Dowlen: If you're thinking your parents divorce did not impact you because you, it happened later in life and you are an adult already. Well, I got some news for you. Your parents divorce still has an impact on your life, and this show is absolutely for you just as much as someone who had a divorce that happened with their parents when they were younger.

Be sure to stick around for the episode. We're gonna enroll our sponsors and we'll be right back with more from Kent, Darcie, gents. I sleep on my pillow. I sleep on my [00:02:00] pillow Giza sheets. I have my pillow body pillows, I have my pillow cup towels and bath towels. My wife even wears my pillow slippers because they're awesome.

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So thank you ahead of time for your support [00:03:00] and enjoy your MyPillow products. Guys, the driven to thrive broadcast, purpose, growth, and lasting impact for men, helping men go from living to thriving purpose-filled intentional lives. Welcome to The Driven to Thrive broadcast purpose, growth, and lasting impact for men.

I'm your host, Brent Dowlen, and we help men go from living to thriving purpose-filled intentional lives. Today, my special guest is Kent Darcie. Kent. Darcie specializes in working with adults of divorced parents. Kent, welcome to the Driven to Thrive broadcast. Well, thanks so much, Brent. It's great to be here with you this morning.

Now, Kent, we like to start pre light here. So how's your trivia skills? Well, it depends on the topic, but I'll give it a shot. For full disclosure, I do actually go outta my way to try and find trivia that people are probably gonna get wrong, so, oh, great. 

Kent Darcie: Okay. I can watch Jeopardy occasionally, so we'll see.

D Brent Dowlen: In what decade does a Netflix show [00:04:00] Stranger Things take place? Is it the seventies, eighties, nineties, or two thousands?

Two thousands. Alright guys, you know the rules. Don't cheat, don't look it up. For goodness sake, if you're driving, please do not write down your answer. We'll come back to that later in the show. Can I don't do big introductions because it really doesn't encapsulate the now. So in your own words, today, in this moment, who is Kent Darcie 

Kent Darcie: Kent is somebody who is a passion about helping people overcome the issues that I went through.

Uh, Kent is somebody that when he hears that somebody has divorced parents, kind of goes, okay, I wonder, first of all, are they divorced themselves? 'cause there's almost a 50% shot. They are. Do they really know what impacted them? 'cause they probably didn't. And 'cause there a way I can help them to, to get it because it's so [00:05:00] important.

And for men it's even more important. But when I'm not doing that, I'm married, got three kids, three adult kids. I love listening to music. I love, uh, my wife loves to fish and, uh, has dragged me into that. I love the water, but now I like to fish. And, uh, I'm also a licensed counselor, so I don't, that's not my thing.

Dealing with adults, with divorced parents and the counseling side of it, I deal with everybody. But, um, you know, basically I'm at a point in my life now where I'm looking backwards and going, you know what? I wanna take the wisdom that I've acquired through the fire and through everything and share it with others.

Kent, we don't do the big introductions. What do you do for a living? Well, basically, um, I'm a licensed professional counselor in southeast Michigan. I've only, I started it later in life. I got my master's and uh, 'cause I really felt the Lord leading me to do that. But, uh, when I'm not [00:06:00] doing that, I am been heading up adult chil adults with divorced parents ministries for 20 years.

And, uh, basically that focuses just on adults with divorce parents. Okay.

D Brent Dowlen: Divorce rates are incredibly high and we're seeing like, this isn't just a US thing for a long time it was really bigger in the US in a lot of places, but this is actually becoming a very large, global dynamic that's becoming a problem for a lot of countries. People aren't getting committed relationships, therefore birth rates are dropping right now all over the world.

What do you think is going on that is had such a massive impact on marriage? Marriage has been around, you know, as long as we have history, uh, some kind of union right. Between men and women has always been around. Mm-hmm. What do you think has changed in our mindsets that this has [00:07:00] become so commonplace?

Well, 

Kent Darcie: the stigma of not sticking it out has changed through the years, has watered down. Um, where before you would just do it because it was the thing to do and now there isn't that, uh, that commitment that we're going to do it. Um, the other issue is because of the stigma not being there anymore, um, probably the last 10 to 15 years, the number one reason for divorce was because I'm not getting my needs met.

And prior to that it was infidelity that had been infidelity for years and years and years. So now when you combine my needs not being met with the fact that now 70% of the divorces are filed by women. Um, and you talked about the global issue of a divorce, basically as Westernization exports and the economic condition of women increases, the divorce rate [00:08:00] increases, and that's around the globe.

India, China, Africa, um, south America, wherever. Um, so you have the combination of the stigmas gone. Um, economic increase, the issue that we can't, we can just divorce if we want to. And probably the biggest issue is that we don't think it's a big deal. We don't realize the impact of it. Um, and, and that really is and well.

Then from my perspective, the other reason why it's mother's a couple, you have gender issues that we just don't understand that men and women are different, um, and they're not wired the same. And that's a huge issue. Um, it, we got guys listening, you wanna really help yourself out. There's a book called For Men Only by Jeff Feld.

Ha, great book. And basically it tells you how women, what makes women tick. And it's, it's fabulous stuff. Not a great book. Not a huge book. And it comes as an audio book because I know a lot of you guys probably don't read. Men aren't big readers, but it also comes as an audio book. And [00:09:00] for men only, it is a great, great book.

And I'm telling you, it'll change, it'll change your perspective on your wife, your girlfriend, almost from page one, you'll be going, oh, that's why she responds that way. Oh, that's why she responds that way. But most people haven't read that book and most people haven't read from Women Only, which is what makes men tick because women.

Most guys, if they're honest, know that we're clueless as to what makes women tick. But the women actually think that they've got us pegged and they don't. And I have found that that book is very eye-opening for women. So we have the gender issues, we have the, the ease of divorce. And then, you know, our topic today is that basically when our parents divorce kind of reprograms our brain.

And a lot of the things that if you go to a marriage retreat, they'll say, do these five things and this will strengthen your marriage. Those are the very things that adults would divorce parents struggle with. So it undermines their relationships and they collapse. 

D Brent Dowlen: It's interesting, you men mentioned the socio economic change, [00:10:00] uh, and I think that's one of the transitions we haven't prepared.

We talk a lot about masculinity on the show. We, it's one of those things we haven't caught up with teaching men yet, right? Because for the longest time, men's roles were defined by protect, provide preside, right? 

Kent Darcie: Mm-hmm. 

D Brent Dowlen: Uh, so to say. And so. We are still using the same playbook to teach a man to be a husband that they were using a hundred years ago.

We haven't changed that as the socio-economics understanding of women has changed. As women have be able to take positions where they can support themselves. 

Kent Darcie: Mm-hmm. 

D Brent Dowlen: Now, there's a hole in divorce in relationships where women go, okay, well I don't need you to provide for me and I live in a fairly safe area, so I don't need you to protect me.

So, you know, I, I want these needs met. Whereas before it was like, well, I need the safety of this [00:11:00] relationship. I need the security of this relationship. Yeah. Now they're asking for more outta men, but we aren't teaching men that Your role has grown. I don't wanna say totally changed, I wanna say grown to where now it's not enough to go to work.

Provide. It's not enough to make sure your family's safe. You have to actually deal with those feels and those emotions and that dynamic that we're still not teaching men about. So, thoughts on that? Sorry. Just 

Kent Darcie: caught my attention. Yeah. Well, you know, it's kind of interesting. I, one of the things I draw, um, when I, I'm dealing with guys is that women have to go full circle when they're communicating.

And if you picture a clock and you start at six o'clock at the bottom and you go around to say 5, 5 30 on the right side, if five is where the solution is. Guys go from six to five as a straight line. We don't go around the circle. Mm-hmm. We, we, we [00:12:00] get enough information and we fix it. Ladies aren't wired that way.

They have to go all the way around the clock. They have to talk through it and go all the way around to five o'clock. Now here's the problem. If you're looking at that clock phase between nine and three, everything above that is emotion. And I call it the, the valley of the shadow of emotion. And the ladies have to go through that to get to the solution.

In fact, and this is gonna freak you guys out because it makes no sense to us. Most ladies, the solution isn't even as important as the journey through the valley of the shadow of emotion to get to it. Which for a guy makes absolutely no sense. But guess what? That's how they're wired. So when I deal with the ladies, I say, ladies, you gotta make the circle smaller 'cause the guys just can't hang in there through these big long circles.

Save those for your girlfriends. But guys. You have to hang in there with them. She, where we filter out emotion to get to the solution. They go through the emotion to maybe [00:13:00] get to the emotion. In fact, if you hang with her through that, she doesn't even really care about the solution that much. And that's one thing that they don't teach.

But it's super important 'cause it is light years different than how we as male think 

D Brent Dowlen: one of my favorite books is, uh, men Are Waffles, women are Spaghetti. I dunno if you've ever heard of that. Yeah, 

Kent Darcie: yeah, 

D Brent Dowlen: yeah. And, and I, at like, the first time I, I heard that as a keynote actually. Like my wife brought the CD back from a women's conference.

She heard it that. 

Kent Darcie: Mm-hmm. 

D Brent Dowlen: And I was hooked. Like the first time I heard it I was like, oh my goodness, this makes so much sense. Yeah. Yeah. 

Kent Darcie: And it's the way we are created, you know, God created us male and female. And very often what happens in our relationships is if she would just be more like me and get rid of this emotion stuff, we would all be better.

And she's thinking if he would just be more communicative and if he would just feel more, we would all be better. And the reality of it is, is there's strengths and weaknesses to both. And God intended them to to [00:14:00] be together, like hand and glove, not fist to fist, which is where we tend to par, where we tend to park.

D Brent Dowlen: Now guys, we're, we're just getting warmed up here. Is there anything that our audience needs to know about you before we jump into the rest of this today? 

Kent Darcie: Yes, and I'm glad you asked that. Um, we are talking about a very sensitive subject, divorce, and I've been doing it for 20 plus years, uh, helping adults with divorced parents.

And one of the things that's really, really important to know is if you're divorced or your parents are divorced or your friends are divorced. We are not about throwing stones. I'm not about bashing divorced people. My parents were divorced and I finally love 'em more. I mean, they both passed, but I love them more after I processed through this stuff.

Then, you know, when I had all that underlying resentment and bitterness and all that sort of stuff that was going on. So it's really, really important to understand that this is not what it's about. Even if some of the things we say sound kind of [00:15:00] like it, we're just saying it how it is. The other thing that's important to know is that I'm dealing in the center of the bell curve.

Basically the majority of people, there's gonna be your outliers. There's gonna be those families. There's couples that divorce, and you're like, they're so chummy, chummy. Why'd they even get divorced? It doesn't make any sense. And then you have the other end of the bell curve where it's just crazy. I mean, neglect and abuse and, and addiction and all that sort of stuff.

And my ministry doesn't really deal with either of those ends. I deal with the vast majority of, of divorces, which is kind of what we've been talking about. Um, needs weren't met. Um, uh, you know, things weren't quite clicking. Maybe there was an affair, but the vast majority of divorces are just, I don't say normal because they're not normal, but we're gonna be dealing with the vast majority of divorce, the average divorce, if you will.

D Brent Dowlen: Guys, we've been, we've been just spending a little time getting to know Kent and a little, just starting to wade into the subject. [00:16:00] I brought Kent on to talk with you guys today because Kent can give you a perspective on this and insights on this that I, I can't do. And as we try and support you guys here at the Driven Thrive broadcast, we want to bring you the best people we can to help you through every stage of your life and to help you level up your life.

So we're gonna dive into the impact of, uh, divorce of your parents, whether that's while you were a kid or whether that's as an adult. And Kent has some amazing insights to offer for us today. So I highly encourage you to dig in because divorce has touched us all at some point now or will. Yeah. Now, can you, you postulate that your parents' divorce, whether that was as a child or as an adult, and we'll separate those out in a minute.

Kent Darcie: Right. 

D Brent Dowlen: Have some major negative impacting. Results in your life, that it actually starts to shape the [00:17:00] way you view your own life, your own marriage, right? Mm-hmm. And I wanna dig into, you know, what that actually kind of manifests as Okay. Because I don't think we've gotten so comfortable with divorce, especially in the United, that a lot of people don't give it a second thought, right?

Most people's arguments about divorce have to do with a religious background, right? Uh, our belief system. But we've just gotten very comfortable with this idea of divorce. And so I don't, a lot of people believe, or even think consciously, it's like, wait, you know, it makes, it makes holidays uncomfortable, are more of a headache.

Uh, I know in-laws getting divorced, right? It, it splits our time when we go visit them. 

Kent Darcie: Mm-hmm. 

D Brent Dowlen: Um, they're, they're fairly amiable. They just ignore each other for the most part and are polite. Right after it happened, it, it was not quite that easy. Everything was much more complicated, but we, we tend to [00:18:00] relegate it to there.

So what are some of the common ways that manifest in our adult lives? 

Kent Darcie: Okay. 

D Brent Dowlen: Um, 

Kent Darcie: one of the big issues is, and it was my issue, my parents divorced when I was 13. So I was one of those that, you know, we were young when our parents divorced, and if you'd asked me if it was, uh, any affect me at all, I would've said, no, not a big deal.

I mean, like you said, the holidays are a hassle. My dad remarried twice. So, um, and you're talking almost 25 years, almost 25 years, almost 25 years before he passed. So they, there was a lot of overlap, which, which made it kind of crazy. And one of the issues I dealt with was, which is the number one issue?

Um, and that's unresolved anger. Um, the first issue we deal with is, is that we were never able to really deal with our anger. And we are angry, and I'm gonna focus on when adults, when we were young, when our, our parents divorced, [00:19:00] high school or younger. Uh, basically number one issue is anger. And there's just a couple, I mean, there's a number of reasons, but, uh, a couple of the ones is there's loss we lose, as you had described, you know, suddenly.

Christmases are different, holidays are different, birthdays are different. And this whole thing of, well, now I get two birthdays, uh, it, it doesn't, it's not as great as we think it is. Um, you lose whole sides of the family. Maybe you can't do sports anymore because you're in one place one week and you're in another place the other week.

So you can't make the practices. You might lose your friends. Often when there's divorce, there's a loss in economic status. So we didn't have what we used to have, so we lose some of the stuff we used to have access to and we get angry. Another reason we get angry is I call it the loyalty challenge, basically.

Which one do you love more? Me or my or your mom or, or you or your dad. You know, which one do you love more? And some people actually come out and say it. I've had people say, yeah, my dad came in and said, you wanna live with me or live with mom. But others times more often, it's [00:20:00] more subtle. Um, I remember I was leading worship at a church.

And, uh, I would get there early. So at that point, my dad had come in and he would visit. My sister would come in from the other side of the coast and everybody would come in. My dad and my mom would come in, and I got done with worship, went down to sit with my, with my family. My dad and my stepmom are on one side of the pew.

My mom and my sister are on the other side of the pew. My wife and my kids are in the center. So where do I sit? Do I sit with my mom or do I sit with my dad? And the problem is, is let's, let's transpose that. You're playing clarinet in the band and you get your, you know, nine years old and you're playing clarinet and the, and you get done with your song and the teacher says, go sit with your parents.

And your dad's sitting on one side of the auditorium with his girlfriend. Your mom's sitting on the other side of the auditorium and you're thinking, well, I wanna sit with my dad because I don't get to see him that much. But mom doesn't like the girlfriend. I don't really like her either, but I never get to see dad.

But if I sit with my mom, then my dad's gonna say he never gets to see me. And if I [00:21:00] sit with my dad, then my mom's gonna be upset that I sat with him. And this kid's nine years old. Then the next day he's in class and somebody takes his pencil or something and he goes whack and hits them. And the teacher goes, well, why'd you do that?

I said, I don't know. And then this boy grows up and he still has anger issues and it's politics or it's sports, or his wife's always bugging him or whatever. Kids are not behaving. But in reality, he still doesn't know why he's angry. And very often it has ties to the divorce. It is very, very frustrating.

And for men, we talked about women's needs and all that sort of stuff. Anger is a huge problem in relationships and anger is often the one thing that men express there. He is always angry, he is always whatever, and all this. But actually, you know what, we'll do a quick detour real quick, dealing with anger.

The Rogers hum. Beverly Rogers [00:22:00] created an acronym called Gift. GIFT. Basically, if you're feeling upset or angry, instead of blaming it on the world and everything else, go, am I feeling guilty? Am I feeling inadequate or inferior? F am I feeling fearful? Or t is there some sort of trauma or, or triggers involved?

And if you ask those questions, you're far more likely to not escalate because it becomes internal instead of external, instead of blaming whoever you're going, wait a minute, why am I responding this way? And it tends to keep the anger down. Um, so anger is a big issue. Um, there's fears, fear of abandonment, fear of conflict, fear of doom, fear of and fear of doom is interesting.

Fear of doom is waiting for the rug to be pulled out from un you at any minute. And as a result, you're always waiting for things to collapse. So even say the. Job's going [00:23:00] good, wife's going good. You know, the kids are behaving, gotta raise, everything's great. If you're from an intact family, your anxiety goes down.

But if you have divorced parents, what the research shows is that job's going good, wife's really great, kids are behaving, you know, gotta raise. Your anxiety level goes up and you go, well why would it go up? And that's because you have more to lose. I mean, if it's all gonna fall apart anyway, because that divorce announcement that came in, your whole world changed and now you're always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

And as a result, we don't relax and we tend to become control freaks, which is another thing that gets the ladies upset because we really believe if we can keep everything in control, then everything will be okay. But it tend, it just, it just doesn't work. So the first couple of things are anger and fierce.

Fear, guess what was on the gift exercise. And fear triggers anger, inadequacy triggers anger. So again, a lot of the [00:24:00] things that impact us as men, well and women, uh, when divorce happens, are the very things that tend to undermine relationships. So that's the first couple of things you 

D Brent Dowlen: have. Forgive me, I'm over here taking notes.

Uh, well, there's three more, but I wanna make sure you didn't wanna jump in. No, no. We're, we're gonna get there. Um, let's, let's go ahead and move through those before we move forward because Okay. Right now we're, we're talking about something very important. 'cause like I said, a lot of guys don't understand that this has an impact on their lives.

Oh my goodness. Yes, 

Kent Darcie: it is. I was in denial for 30 years and basically I was at a, a women, uh, not a women's. I was at a, a marriage retreat. And I, God basically said, Ken, if you don't get your act together, you're on the same emotional path as your dad. And my dad was an adult shadow divorce from an adult shadow divorce from an adult shadow divorce.

And at that point, he had [00:25:00] already divorced twice, was heading towards his third marriage. And that just scared the death outta me. I, I just, 'cause I love my wife. We've got 41 years under our belt now and I didn't want a divorce. But now God's saying if, if you don't take intentional steps to change things are not heading on a great path.

'cause I had huge anger issues. Huge anger issues. And guess what? Fearful fear of abandonment. 'cause we're insecure and it just goes on and on and on. Um, but another issue that, his issue is trust. We have a really tough time trusting people. We, and what'll happen is we'll poke people with a stick to see if we can trust them.

And we poke 'em with a stick, poke 'em with a stick, poke 'em with a stick, poke 'em with a stick. And then eventually they go, this is ridiculous, I'm outta here. And we go, see, I knew I couldn't trust them. It becomes a self-fulfilling thing. And you know, the ladies, you've got ladies out there that maybe their dad had an affair or, or maybe he just left or whatever, and they're like, I am never going to experience what my mom did.

And she doesn't [00:26:00] trust you. And, and there's an interesting thing with guys that respect and trust for guys is synonymous. We, even though technically it's not, we tend to equate the two, we say, well, if she doesn't trust me, she doesn't respect me. Because if she respected me, she would trust me. Well, guess what?

If she has a divorced parent, she probably doesn't trust you, but it's not you. But if we internalize that and we say, oh my goodness, she doesn't trust, she doesn't dis she doesn't respect me, then we get angry. 'cause she doesn't re, nobody talks to me like that. And we get angry and guess what? The whole cycle starts all over again.

So trust is an issue. Um, father hunger is a big issue. We are in a culture right now that says men are not necessary. That is just not true. All the research shows it is the dad who gives the girl the femininity. It's the dad that shows whether she's actually, you know, woman enough and all that sort of stuff.

The research shows that when the divorce happens, the, the, the daughter takes the, takes the divorce [00:27:00] egocentrically. Basically she takes the blame for it. She wasn't pretty enough. She wasn't smart enough to keep the dad in the house. Now we all know that doesn't make any sense, but that's how she filters it.

The men have tremendous power. So it's really important that we deal with this father hunger because in our lives when we don't have that father image, basically we look, the ladies have with Father Hunger, the ladies have this question, am I beautiful? Am I special? And basically they need that answer from a loving dad.

Guys have a different question. Do I have what it takes to be a man? And basically. In my day, we didn't have this 50 50 joint custody. I spent all my time with my mom, and I mean, my mom did an amazing job with an angry teenage boy and my two sisters, but half of the time now, even if you have 50 50 joint custody, half the time you're not with your dad.

And sometimes, and again, when I started, when we started this [00:28:00] program, I said, we're not bashing anybody. But one of the things marriage does is it kind of keeps checks and balances, you know, opposites of tracks sort of thing. And it kind of keeps that in check when the divorce happens, that's not in check anymore, and maybe dad has girlfriends coming and going, maybe he's doing whatever.

And the image of a father, the image of a dad, the image of a man tends to get marred. We're not careful. We have no answer to what does it takes to be a man. So basically we go to the streets, if you will. We go to television, go to social media, we go to whatever. That's where we get our image of a man.

When in that reality, the best image is is, you know, God says that we are his masterpiece. That we as handiwork, um, that, that we are as workmanship, which means you are exactly the image that God wanted you. I mean, warts and all. There's, there's things we need to change, but we don't need to be chasing after some hero or, or, or on tv [00:29:00] or some social media person or TikTok person, or in a lot of ways, the image that our wife is trying to make us.

We need to simply be who all we were created to be that God created us to be. So father hunger is a big issue and for those of faith, um, divorce distorts her image of God. Um, basically we have scriptures that say, like, honor your father and your mother. Well, we may be in church thinking, well that's fine for you to my left and you to my right, but honor my father, honor my mother.

Are you kidding me? And we start to cherry pick which scriptures are true and which ones apply to us. And as a kid, and right now we're talking about when our, our parent, we were kids when our parents divorced, basically, another problem we have with trust and distortion of God is where was God during all this stuff?

How did he allow this to happen? Now the reality of it is he all gives us choice, but as a child we don't always see it that way. So you have anger, you have fears, you have mistrust, you have distortion of the scriptures, you have father hunger. And as I had said [00:30:00] earlier, those tend to be the very things that undermine healthier relationships.

D Brent Dowlen: While there is so much to unpack there, that's, that's why I wanted you to keep going. It's like I, I don't wanna interrupt this flow because there is so much information. Just in that last few minutes of that. Now I want to pause for half second on that because one of the things you said was. You dealt with denial for years and years and years.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. I really think so. We have this modern concept, right, of this really not of man up. Right? And, and I talk about masculinity a lot on this channel, and that's something that a lot of us heard growing up. Man up, get over it, deal with it happens life, right? There are men right now who are hearing this, who are not in a place where they're ready to step out of that.

My denial, they're going, yeah, yeah, yeah, my, my [00:31:00] parents got divorced. That sucked, whatever. Mm-hmm. I moved on, I'm fine. It doesn't affect me. That was me. And you said that that was you. 

Kent Darcie: Yeah. 

D Brent Dowlen: And you know, part of the reas changes you made were because you had that face-to-face moment of God where it impacted you and you're like, oh, I need to change.

Kent Darcie: Well, I love my wife. And guess what it's like Dr. Phil says, how's it working for you? It's not the anger and the denial and all that isn't working. So if you're listening to this and it's not a coincidence that you're listening to this today, you know, don't be like I was, I put, like I said, I got, we got 41 years under our belt, I'll tell you lot.

Um, you know, and six years before that, which is pretty common with adults, with divorced parents, it takes them a while to commit six, eight, after 10 years. It's pretty interesting, you know. But my [00:32:00] wife, I mean, she's not perfect, pretty close. But, um, I put her through a lot of stuff for years, and I, one of the things that I, I'm so thankful for is she didn't see a counselor.

I'm glad, I know that sounds selfish, but back in the day, by today's standards. They would've told her to leave me. 'cause I was just, I was angry and, um, uh, fearful. I had, I had fear off the charts. I talked about the gift exercise, GIFT, fear, fear of inadequacy, fear of conflict, fear of abandonment and fear feeds Anger.

And anger is hugely destructive. And I'm thankful that the Lord hit me with a two by four. But I'm hoping that this program will hit you with a two by four. How is it working for you? What are you seeing in your girlfriend or your wife's [00:33:00] eyes? And is it her fault? 'cause she, if she would just been there, done that?

Not true. We are in control. We simply have to know what's really going on and it is not a sign of weakness to go, you know what, you know what Kent? Yeah. You know what? That when dad left or when. I wanted to cry in my room for days. And of course I didn't do it, but I wanted to 'cause it was horrible. I just, you know, and, and I, I, I would go to, to the thing and, and they'd be there with their dads and my dad was off with his girlfriend or with his wife or whatever.

And, and you have any idea what it's like on the birthday when mom and dad won't even look at each other? Do you know what we had to go through when we got married? I, I couldn't even enjoy my marriage 'cause I was so afraid that my dad, my mom's, is that what you're saying right now? Good. Let it out because it's there and we [00:34:00] want it to come out in a setting like this or talk with somebody, talk with, you know, a good solid friend, not an a women bacher, but a good, solid friend or, or somebody.

If you're a person of faith, somebody at the church talk about it because it's there. And this whole thing, it reprograms our brain. To what I described, you can't trust anybody. You know, I, I don't make it. I'm inadequate. You know, anger's, you know, gonna be a problem. Everybody's, it reprograms our brain that we don't, and we don't realize it until you listen to this and you're going, huh?

Um, yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe this is me. In fact, you know what, Brent, can I read the back, the questions on the back of my book? Yep. Go ahead Here. Uh, when I, uh, we'll do a conference or something, we'll have the book there. I usually flip the book over and I have 'em read the back of this. Um, on the back of the book, this questions, it says, do you have trouble trusting people?[00:35:00] 

Are you secretly fearful that whatever situation or relationship you're in will suddenly fall apart? Do you dread or hate Thanksgiving and Christmas? Do loved ones or friends say you have a problem with anger? Do you often feel worthless or inadequate? Is the real reason you decided to live together because you're afraid you can't do the marriage thing successfully?

And when I see people reading that, you'll start to see the head go, Uhhuh. Yep, that's me. Yep, that's me. And when I just read that some of you were going, Ooh, that was really close to the mark. Ooh. Oh, that was close to the mark and wait, you're saying that's tied to my parents' divorce probably. So the denial thing that to those people who are like, I was, well, you know man, I am gonna click out of this 'cause this isn't really me.

Guess what? The reason you wanna click out of this is probably because it is you. So hang in there with us because we're gonna give you the hope that things can change. [00:36:00] 

D Brent Dowlen: Now, Kim, before we start diving into how to shift from those gears, um, I wanted to jump in just for a moment because I had never heard the term gray divorce before.

Kent Darcie: Oh yeah. 

D Brent Dowlen: And like we said earlier, there are people who are like, well, yeah, you know, it happened after I was involved. Right. Mm-hmm. Like in-laws, it happened after the kids were out. Right. And I don't, I Is it the same as far as the impacts, right? Right. When your parents have a great divorce, when you are an adult or when they have a divorce as a kid, are we looking at the same kind of impact on our current lifestyle?

Kent Darcie: No. 

D Brent Dowlen: In 

Kent Darcie: fact, in some ways it's worse in a number of ways. It's worse for one thing is, um, and you said you did youth and, and work with youth for years. Mm-hmm. Um, today is way different than when I got, my parents got divorced right now. I mean, the youth pastor's on board, the guidance counselors [00:37:00] at school are on board, the teachers are on board.

Everybody knows that divorce affects kids. I mean, that's, that's way, there's lots of books and all sort of stuff when we're an adult. When our parents divorce, there's no support. What you do here is, well, they're an adult. I mean, they deserve to happy. Have a happy life. Aren't you happy for 'em? Or, well, you're not even living there.

So what's the big deal? So there's no support. And guess what you start examining was my whole childhood a fake, uh, and that's assuming they didn't tell you they stayed together because of you. Uh, is, is, you know, before you used to go to grandpa and grandma's house, now you'll go to grandpa or grandma's house.

How do you explain that to your kids? You haven't figured out yourself. We don't see our parents apart. We have this image of our parents together and now we've got, there's a great quote. I can't remember the total quote, but basically she says it's [00:38:00] in, um, there's a book called Home Will Never be the Same again.

It's by Friedenberg and Hughes, and it's a great book on great divorce. Probably an audio book too. Um, but they talk about how this one woman's complaint, she goes, man, my dad is calling me and my mom is calling me. And, and, and I, you know, I'm trying to work and they're complaining about the other and all this sort of stuff.

And my mom keeps inviting me to go out with her boyfriend. That's what she calls him, her boyfriend. I mean, that's crazy. Isn't there a different name for that or something. And the reality of it is, is does the, is it that the parent doesn't love the kid? No. Is it that the kid doesn't love the parent? No, they're just clueless.

And that, that us to another problem with great divorce and that's TMI Too much information when we're a kid, good parents, we kind of shield them from the gruesome details. I mean, they, they're not gonna get into all that stuff when we're an adult. I don't wanna know that. You haven't been satisfied for 20 years and all this sort of stuff, and man, I mean, la, la, la, la, la, la.

I, I don't wanna hear this stuff. I mean, [00:39:00] you know, and yet they will treat you as friends, which brings us, we talked about the loyalty challenge and anger, you know, when they had divorced from our kids. It's worse when we're adults. 'cause now you're old enough to understand why the other parent is a deadbeat.

Why? I'm not happy. They don't treat you as a child. They treat you as an adult, and it creates a huge problem. Another issue that we deal with is doubt. If mom can deal with that all these years, if Dad can deal with that all these years, you know, with our problems, we can hang in there. But when that marriage goes down after 35, 40, 45, 52 years, you have this voice that says, well, if they couldn't make it after all that time, how on earth are you gonna make it with all your problems?

You have this, these cracks of doubt. And again, for those of faith, Satan comes in and basically feeds that. Look at all the problems you've got. You're not, and they [00:40:00] were in the church, so obviously God didn't, doesn't work. And he creates this doubt thing. And you know, we talked about distortion of God, you know, with children of divorce.

Well, it's the same thing with, um, when our parents divorce is adulthood. Well, where was God when all this was going on? What? But we have to be very careful of that because God gives us choices. I mean, one of the things I deal with is, is I'll talk about the choice thing and, and I'll go to ver the first story in the Bible was Adam and Eve, everybody's pretty familiar with Adam and Eve.

And basically they had a choice. They could do things God's way, they could do things their own way. And they chose to do things their own way. And we've been dealing with the consequences ever since. Well, our parents had a choice. They could do things God's way or the healthy way, or they could do things their own way.

And one or both of them. Chose to do it their own way. And we have been dealing with the consequences ever since. But it's not that God isn't trustworthy or, or that we, that he doesn't love us. It's that [00:41:00] he allows us to make a choice. And whether your parents divorce when you were a kid, or whether you're experiencing it as an adult, now you have a choice.

And that choice is, am I gonna click the button and go, eh, well that was interesting. Maybe somebody can get something out of that. Or are you gonna go, you know what, my wife's been saying this for years and I never really listened to her, which my wife said for years, and I never listened to her. Um, um, maybe there's something to what this guy's saying.

And you know what, I, I think maybe I'm gonna take some intentional steps to change because I love my wife. I really do. I love my girlfriend. And when she has that look of pain in her eyes, it just, it comes me to the center, but I don't know what to do. So anger comes out and it just makes it worse. And I feel like I'm in a cycle.

I'm outta control. But now maybe there's something to what you're saying, so I'm gonna, yeah. You know what, I'm, I'm gonna run with this.[00:42:00] 

D Brent Dowlen: Normally I talk a whole lot more, but you are sharing the things that your expertise is, is so far beyond mine in this, and so I, I'm grateful for what you're sharing because there's no way that I could talk about this or share this as effectively as you are now, guys, we've been talking about the impact of your parents' divorce, and whether that's as an adult or as a child, and the way that has possibly or likely been affecting your life, even if you did not realize it.

Yeah. You know what, until now, no one has probably actually told you exactly how much of an impact that had on your life. You were forced to adapt. You were forced to accept whether you wanted to or not, that this was just your new reality. That this is just what your life looked like, that now you had two homes, or now your parents are [00:43:00] living separately more, right?

The, the grandma or grandpa's house, instead of going, grandma and grandpa's are growing to one or the other. Definitely rung, rung bells in our family. Um, and you weren't given an an option on this, which definitely made you feel powerless. Mm-hmm. And we hate that impacted you in that way as well. So you may have never thought of this before, and it may be a whole lot to process in one show, but now you have an awareness and you're gonna have to choose whether you actually pursue that and explore that possibility.

But we're gonna shift gears into, and Ken's gonna help us with some steps on how to move forward from this point. If you've heard this, if it's ringing true for you, if you're, you're going, wait, this, this actually may be an issue in my life. I didn't even realize this existed. We're gonna start moving forward with [00:44:00] some positive directional steps you can take to, uh, deal with those issues.

Deal with issues you didn't realize you might have even actually had. Uh, I know that's a huge surprise for a lot of people because we, we do, we just live in the society. I was like, get over it, move forward. Do what you gotta do, yo right. We're, we're so programmed to just put our head up and keep grinding and be like, yeah, whatever, whatever.

And as men we're so programmed to ignore the emotional side of it and just like, head down, move forward. This is what I gotta do now. It doesn't matter. And so I encourage you, like, sit with this idea for a few minutes. Share this with a friend, you know? 'cause I guarantee if nothing else, you heard this today, your brain went, oh my God, this is my friend Bob.

Mm-hmm. I, I know this. Mm-hmm. And I know a couple of these people share this with them, even if you don't think this is necessarily you. But sit with this idea for a few minutes and then shift into this next few minutes with us as we talk about what you can [00:45:00] do in your life to move past that and actually process this, whether you realized it was there or not.

Gentlemen, if your relationships are not where you want 'em to be, I want you to know I got you. Relationships take a lot of work and they can fall on the back burner pretty easily. As your empire building in your life and trying to provide for your family, men actually often suffer from damage to their relationships while they're out trying to provide and build that comfortable life because you're doing it, 'cause you love them and you wanna support them.

They often just kind of fall to the background because we are so busy. Well, I help men with skills, tips, and techniques to rebuild thriving relationships with people they love, even if they've struggled with being the husband and father that they want to be in the past. Reach out for your free discovery call at Purpose-driven men.com to learn the skills you need to connect deeply with the people who matter the most.

Let's get back to this show. Now. Can, that's the direction I want to go from here is mm-hmm. How [00:46:00] can our listeners go, oh wow, this, this hit me. So where do we start moving forward from here? Okay. The first 

Kent Darcie: thing is what you just said. We move to the next step. We don't go, oh, it was nice, or whatever. We move to the next step.

I want to encourage everybody that's listening, particularly those of you with divorced parents, that you are not alone and what you are experiencing is not weird. I talk to people all the time and they'll share, oh man, I did this and then they did this, and I this and whatever, and I'll go, that's pretty normal.

Really? Yeah, I hear that a lot because we think, even though we hear in all divorce it's 50% and all this sort of stuff, which is a little bit high, but there's a lot of divorce. Uh, we, it's a, it's like a snowflake. They're all individual, but you're not alone. There's millions of us out there that have divorced parents and don't realize this is going on.

So the first thing you wanna do is a, acknowledge that [00:47:00] it's probably affecting you, highly likely. Second thing is go to good resources. Uh, my website. Hope, the number four, adp.com, hope for adp.com. Tons of resources on it. And I like to say it's not the Darcie show. Uh, I mean the blogs and the podcast are mine, but I have a whole resource section that has the best resources that are available out there right now, um, that deal, deal with adults, with divorced parents.

And if you're not a book person, um, a lot of these are on audio books. And I, interestingly enough, the first 10 podcasts are programs that are recorded for an organization called Trans World Radio. They have an international ministry for men, and, uh, they are on the, it's an overview of the major issues that impact, um, adults with divorce parents.

So in only 15 minutes. So I, I would encourage you to go through those, but check out the resources that are available. If it's for, if you were a child, when your parent's divorced, look at those resources if you were an adult. Like I said, poem will never be the same again, is the best [00:48:00] book I've seen out there, um, for a great divorce.

So that's, that's really important. The second thing is, 

D Brent Dowlen: wait, can, can I interject here for a minute? Sure. Absolutely. Um, it, it occurred to me as you started talking, there are a lot of guys who, this isn't some like psychological guys. We're not sending you to saying you need to be in therapy the rest of your life.

Kent Darcie: No, 

D Brent Dowlen: but let me give you a prime example here. Uh, if you've been on the show, you might have heard me mention it before, but I eat Helman's mayonnaise, right? If I go to the grocery store, I buy Helman's mayonnaise. I don't know that Hels mayonnaise is the best mayonnaise in the world. However, it's what my mom bought, it's what my grandmother bought, and it's what I ate on every sandwich in the entirety of my life.

It is, the only reason I buy Hels mayonnaise is because that's what mom bought. That's what Granny bought. That's what I should buy because obviously that's the best right? We don't often correlate the impact of small things [00:49:00] like that in our lives. Mm-hmm. Much less if something that small can be impacted by the people behind you.

Right. Your parents, your grandparents. How much more is your life now impacted on big things. So please dial in. I know a lot of us wanna go. We're fine. We're fine. That's our first, that is our go-to. I'm fine. I eat Hells Manies y'all. It's, and all has to do with choices I never made. And this is so much more significant than that.

Sorry. It just, it jumped in my brain. No, no 

Kent Darcie: problem. And it's kind of funny 'cause the first, uh, the title of the first chapter and the book is basically a devotional that choose a better path. Is overcoming the impact of your parents'. Divorce is basically a devotional. So, so guys, it's not a, you gotta read through this book.

They're basically one, two page things with, you know, that kind of introduce you to the possible issues that you may be impacting. And the first chapter [00:50:00] is, I'm probably not fine. You know, so learn about boundaries. One of the issues that we deal with is that when you have in-laws and exes and missteps and step steps and step siblings and all this sort of stuff is you have issues with boundaries.

Learn about those. So work through the issues, find out what the issues are and how it's impacting you work through them. And I know we're all lone rangers on this sort of thing, but I have to come up with a, a more modern, um, cliche, I guess. I mean, I, I'm the John Wayne Lone Ranger James Bond. I don't even know who today what The Rock, who's today.

I, 

D Brent Dowlen: it's gonna be, I can tell this is, yeah, I have to figure out. That's what I grew up looking at 

Kent Darcie: there. You, I have to upgrade all my cliches. But anyway, we, we tend to do things alone as guys. We we're, we're not big on, on, on, on connecting with other people. I would encourage you to connect out. You have a girlfriend or a wife.

If [00:51:00] you say, listen to the book or you, you listen to the podcast and go, do you think that this is affecting me? You'll connect with your wife in a way that is so deep. You'll see her light up because you're actually sharing a part of yourself with her. And you'll see the whole dynamic change. It's really cool.

It's a little bit scary because we're not used to sharing anything, but one of the things that is really important is it's really tough to do alone. You know, going through this thing now, if you have a guy friend that you go to grab, grab a beer with or, or, you know, go for coffee with or whatever, play whatever with, just go, you know, I, I was listening to this podcast about my parents divorce and I had no idea that, that it was affecting me.

Your parents a divorce? Yeah. My parents are divorced too. Really? Bingo. Now you've got a 50 50 shot that the person you're talking to has divorced parents. So now guess what? You have something in common. Well, what, how is it? Well, yeah. I was like, you know, I was 17 and my dad just left and my mom just decided one day she wouldn't wanna be a mom anymore and she left, and whatever.[00:52:00] 

Guess what? Now you're talking. But instead of just ragging on whatever, you now have tools that you can talk about and bring about the healing. So you wanna make sure, find out what's going on, work through what's going on, and then apply what you've learned. Um, you know, get with other guys. Half of everybody you know, has divorced parents, whether you're in the church, out of the church, half of everybody you know, at the bowling league, at your restaurant, at your workplace, at your church have divorced parents.

So you are not alone and you're not an oddity. But guess what? There's strength in numbers and you can help improve things just with that. Now, if you have great divorce, that gets weird. If your parents, if you're an adult, when your parents divorce, you're going through that, you're gonna have to really go with the resources because unfortunately, the likelihood of you finding an empathetic ear is not great.

Um, people don't understand how [00:53:00] traumatic it is. When our parents divorce after 35, 40 years, they just, they're just clueless and they'll say things that just don't help. So you, you kinda have to be careful with that. You might wanna go to the book and, and that'll give you some help with that, but don't do.

Take what we've learned. Listen to this program again, because we, we went through a lot of information today. Um, you know, listen to it again. Listen to, you know, I talked about the podcast. Listen to, I'm with your wife. My wife was way ahead of me on this thing. She could make the connections. You know, I talk about boundaries.

My, my parents overlapped. So at Christmas time, my dad and my stepmom would come in and then they would leave, and then my stepmom, number one would come. Step number two, wait, my dad and step number two would come in. Then stepmom, number one would come in. You could make sure they weren't there at the same time.

And then they would leave. And then my mom and my sister would come in and, and it was, Christmas was crazy. Couldn't wait for it [00:54:00] to be over. Am I resonating with anybody out there? For those of you of faith, it is amazing that we actually dread the season of our Savior's birth. Think about it. That's how much this parental divorce can impact us.

And we need to bring that back. We need to give back the hope that is offered at that time of the year. But this can mess with it. So we wanna make sure that we are connecting with somebody. And like I said, with great divorce, that can be challenging. But don't give up. We are not, guys, don't give up. I love it.

I love this as a men's program because we press through, we do push through, push through on this. Don't, don't give up on this. 'cause it is important not only for you, not only for your wife, but for your kids. Because they need, they need a husband, a father, and a mother who love each other. Because if they're like my kids, we were the only family [00:55:00] of their circle group that were an intact family.

All of their friends had divorced parents. And I just encourage you to not add to that. 

D Brent Dowlen: And guys, I, I want to interject my 2 cents from the perspective of, I, I have my in-laws divorced after their youngest son left the house. And so I have now been through watching this firsthand with their four children.

Hmm. Uh, my wife and her siblings. I have, I've watched the impact of this. And so from a parental perspective, if you have kids, and this is happening in your life, right. If this is your parents and you have kids now, right. It is okay to protect your kids from this situation. We got a lot of grief from both sides of the family as my in-laws moved [00:56:00] into other relationships.

Mm-hmm. Um, my father-in-law has been living with his girlfriend for several years now. My mother-in-law has gotten remarried for a long time. They were not allowed to bring those people around my house because my kids were very young when they got divorced and did not understand why they didn't get to see both grandparents at the same time.

They certainly were not ready to understand why they've got new people with them and that those people are now a part of their lives are, and I was also protecting is like, are they going to be around to be a part of their lives or is this a temporary thing? Right? So if you are experiencing in this in your life and you have your own kids, it is okay even when other people yell at you about it.

'cause like we got grief from our siblings about not allowing these new people access to my kids. 

Kent Darcie: And [00:57:00] 

D Brent Dowlen: my wife and I were like, no, no, this is has to be so solid. We're not putting people temporarily into our kids' lives as part of their grandparents circle. 

Kent Darcie: Mm-hmm. 

D Brent Dowlen: That's, that's not okay. Uh, we had so much pushback from my wife's siblings on that fact that we would not let these people around.

Mm-hmm. It's been several years. Like I said, my mother-in-law's remarried. My father-in-law has been with this girlfriend longer than my mother-in-law's been married, so they are now a part of our lives. But we waited till the kids were a little bit older before we started explaining this, and before we allow these people anywhere near my children, because it is up to you to protect that next generation 

Kent Darcie: mm-hmm.

D Brent Dowlen: From this fallout, which is going to add to your struggle as the child of this great divorce, it's gonna add even more pressure and stress than just your parents getting divorced. It's gonna add pressure because now you have to protect [00:58:00] your children. And so. It is not only okay, it is right for you to protect your children from this.

Kent Darcie: Yeah. Boundaries are super, super important. Um, establishing, there's some videos on the website, um, that deal with boundaries because, and with great divorce, it's, it's just huge because, anyway, 'cause we don't have time for all that, but the, the boundaries issue is they're not allowed to badmouth the other person around the kids.

That's a rule. And guess what, if you do, then you won't be allowed at the next function or whatever. And you, you need to do boundaries in a certain way. And you can't do effective boundaries unless you've worked through all the stuff or else you're doing boundaries and anger and those never work. It's kinda like, you know, when the kid's in the backseat and they're carrying on, I don't want anybody to touch anybody for the rest of their lives.

You know, that's a boundary. It doesn't work real well, but it's a boundary, you know, and we can kind of do the same thing with our parents if we're not careful. So we wanna work through all of our issues so we can do b healthy [00:59:00] boundaries that are. Carry the, the basic characteristics of boundaries that stick and work.

But you know, as, as you experience Brent, there'll be pushback. And that doesn't mean the boundary's bad. It probably means the brownies is right. It's working. 

D Brent Dowlen: Kent, you, you wrote a whole book on this, so go ahead, share your book. Tell us what that is. 'cause you, you have, I generally do not let guests share a book I haven't read.

Guy's, full disclosure, I have not read his book yet, but based on our conversation today, we're still going to plug the book because while I haven't read it, just based on what Ken has shared with us today in this conversation, I think this will be a great resource if this is the situation you're in. And so I want to go ahead and share his book with you.

So Kent, please share your book. 

Kent Darcie: Well, I appreciate that, Brent. Um, basically the book is a devotional. It's available as an ebook and an audiobook also on the website. Um, but it, and like I said, it's a devotional, basically means it's, it's a page, page [01:00:00] and a half. And, um, it just, it covers a basic issue. It covers forgiveness, it covers anger.

There's a chapter on boundaries, on grief. There's loss. One of the things that's interesting about Great Divorce and the difference between great divorce and divorce in our childhood is when you, in with childhood, you grieve what could have been, you think, oh, we, we could have done this. We could have done that.

If only they'd stayed together with great divorce. You grieve what should have been. We already had it. We've been going to the cottage since I was five. Every year we go to the cottage. Every year we do this sort of thing. We already have our cousins and whatever, and then boom, it's done. What do you mean you're getting divorced?

We just celebrated their 35th anniversary two years ago. I mean, you grieve what should have, so there's grieving forgiveness, which is a huge deal. Father hunger and, and know there's a chapter on hope and triggers. You know, because you watch a movie and [01:01:00] there'll be some flippant thing about divorce or somebody leaving somebody and you, wow.

You get angry. Probably not 'cause of the movie, probably 'cause of what you experienced. So the book basically walks you through it's, it's not an in depth book per se. It basically introduces people to the issues that are probably impacting them. And then once you're through that, you can go to the deeper resources that I have available on the website.

What's the book called? It's called Choose a Better Path. Overcoming the Impact of Your Parents' Divorce. It is available on the website. We had it on Amazon and that got messed up somehow. But, um, and we're trying to get it back on Amazon, but uh, it's available on the website and actually the next book, we're waiting on that right now.

And that is, uh, preparing to say I do when parents said I don't, uh, the premarital guide for adults with divorced parents. Basically it's for marriage and remarriage. 'cause it's very common that probably half of you listening have divorced parents. And [01:02:00] it's a pretty good shot that half of you li of them have divorced already and don't know why or thought you knew why, but now you're learning something different.

So we wanna do it right the first time or that next time. And that's the next book that's coming out, hopefully later this fall. 

D Brent Dowlen: I want a copy of that. I, I know a lot of people who need that book, like, honest to God as I used to do marriage count counseling. Oh, okay. Uh, I've, I've married several young couples and I've, I've done married marriage counseling and I have a marriage counseling book I like to use Called Before You Say I Do.

Oh yeah. Workbook. Right? Yeah. I absolutely love it. It's been my go-to for years. Mm-hmm. Uh, 'cause it's just a really great resource, but one that specifically will dive into the fallout from living with parents with divorce and what that's caused in your life 

Kent Darcie: mm-hmm. 

D Brent Dowlen: Is so necessary. So, I'm so glad you're working on that book, I think.

Yeah. Yeah. We're just waiting for that. 

Kent Darcie: Yeah. And, 

D Brent Dowlen: and 

Kent Darcie: one thing, um, [01:03:00] and the train just derailed seemed important at the time. The train's now in a heap of cars. Oh, well, couldn't have been too important working on another book. Oh, I know what it was. I'm sorry. If you're listening to this program, this, uh, this, uh, show today, and you don't have divorced parents, but your wife does, it is really important to introduce her to this information.

Probably dealing with Father Hunger, probably dealing with mistrust, probably has some anger issues, probably feeling inadequate. They have that fear of abandonment, all the stuff that we talked about. She probably has it. And you have an excellent opportunity to be her champion, to be her support in this issue, which she's probably oblivious to how it's actually impacting her.

D Brent Dowlen: Kent, you've got the other book in process. What else are you working on? 

Kent Darcie: Well, the other, uh, that book is actually not the book I intended to write this. That book just got, kinda went here, boom. And we wrote the [01:04:00] book. But, uh, the next book after that I'm looking at is called the Event Guide for Adults with Divorced Parents.

And basically you'll do with weddings, graduations, funerals, birth announcements, just all those sort of things. That can be a mess. I mean, the, the bulk of the book will be on weddings and funerals because those are, I. And just, if you don't be proactive going into those events, they can just be really be a problem.

And particularly funerals. I mean, weddings are a challenge, but particularly funerals because of all the emotion and all that. You know, when my mom died, we were very inco. My dad was very involved with us, um, as adults and did hospice and all sort of stuff. And he came to the funeral. It was natural 'cause we, we were tied.

However, my mom never would've wanted him at that funeral. And one of the things that happened is I remember we were walking down the aisle, you know, 'cause it was, the service was starting. We walked down the aisle and I remember having him, he was behind me and I had him [01:05:00] sitting one row behind us. And that was not planned.

But he was not family for my mom. And those are the sort of things that you, you wanna talk about in advance. You wanna, because one of the issues with divorce is siblings aren't even always on the same page as you had mentioned. And, and it, there's just a lot of. Craziness going on. So it's, it's really good to plan into that.

And the boundaries things comes in. When you do the birth announcement, are you gonna do two? Because she's not gonna come if he's there, he's not gonna come if she's there and all this craziness. You, you establish boundaries and all that. And that's the next book after the, uh, premarital counseling One would be the event guide for adults with divorce parents 

D Brent Dowlen: and guys, we'll have all of Kent's connections, his links down in the show notes, the YouTube description, whatever platform you join us on.

Please, please, please, if, if you are listening to this going, oh my God, that's so and so, please share this show with them. Uh, Kent has shared such amazing insights on [01:06:00] this with us today that I know no one actually cares about what decades Stranger Things takes place in can. Oh, yeah. The early two thou 22 thousands is actually the 1980s.

Was it really? Yeah. Yeah. It's when the series takes place. Oh, when it takes place. 83. 

Kent Darcie: Oh, when it takes place. Okay. Missed it. Yeah. 

D Brent Dowlen: Um, I was thinking those out. Yeah. But no one actually cares anymore. I'm pretty sure. But, you know, for all the, I get in trouble when I don't actually answer the trivia question.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because somebody's waiting for it. Like, I, I did it one time. It's one of the only times I ever like, like nasty messages on my shows, uh, which just cracks me up if you're still interested in that at the end of the podcast. But Kent, thank you so much for taking the time to share with us today.

If, if the guys heard nothing else today, like I said, I, I do have some women and ladies, I love you. Thank you for the ladies who listen, I, I have about 14% of my listeners I think are, are women. The rest of 'em are all men. [01:07:00] If they heard nothing else out of this entire conversation, what do you wanna leave them with?

Kent Darcie: Don't be in denial and there's hope for change. I mean, if he, if God can change me, and I was a rough character, I, I just denial, denial, denial. But anger, anger, anger. And through a series of events, God changed my heart and I am so thankful. We did a, a marriage renewal for our 30th anniversary, and the first go around was interesting.

So I wanted to make sure that this time we, I did it right, if you will. And I'm so thankful that God opened my eyes to what really was going on, the truth of what was really going on with my parents' divorce, so that I could not only heal, but I could help others heal as well, 

D Brent Dowlen: guys, for myself, for Kent, be better tomorrow because of what you do today, and we'll see you on the next one.[01:08:00] 

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