Mastering Love After 40: Men’s Dating Mindset Shifts | Krista Melanson

[00:00:00] Believe in yourself and the ability to find love in your life. You're worthy, you deserve it, and there's somebody out there for you. Don't ever give up.

Here's the million dollar question. How do men like us reach our full potential, grow into the men we dream of being, while taking care of our responsibilities, working, being good husbands, fathers, and still take care of ourselves? Well, that's the big question. In this podcast, We'll help you answer those questions and more.

My name is Brent and welcome to the fallible man podcast.

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Let us know what you think. My name is Brent and today, my guest is dating [00:01:00] coach, Christian Krista will Hanson, Krista. Welcome to the fallible man podcast. Hey Brent, I'm so excited to be here. Thanks so much for having me. Krista, I love having these conversations. I love being a podcaster because I get to meet interesting people and I'm going to carry away if I go away from my notes too far.

So, we like to start the show kind of easy going. Krista, how's your trivia, random trivia? Ooh, well, you know, I'm one of those people who likes to think my trivia is great and then I have no answer, so go for it. Fair enough, okay. Which country is the band ACDC from, is it New Zealand, the UK, USA, or Australia?

Australia, Australia. All right. For all of you playing at home, you know, the rules don't cheat, make your guess, write it down, do the thing. And we'll get back to that later in the show. Now, I, [00:02:00] I started out with the hard question right off the front. In your own words, who is Krista Molasson? Um, well, first and foremost, I'd say I'm a mother.

Because I've got three kids, and when you have kids, I believe you make a commitment to them from the day you're born. So, first and foremost, I'm a mom of three kids, who are not kids anymore. They're 18, 21, and 24. So, they need me less, but I still need them. Um, second off, I'm a partner. And my partner knows because I told him when I first met him that if push comes to shove, he'd come second place to my kids.

Um, but I'm just a person who loves people and I believe in people almost to a fault sometimes. And I want people to be happy and I want to spread happiness around the world. So I'm kind of like just the happy girl. Nothing wrong with being happy. [00:03:00] We could use a little more happiness in the world, I think.

So never a bad place to be. That's what I think. Are you more of a morning person or a night owl morning for sure? Yeah, out of curiosity. How's your what's what's your partners on that one? Um, He's more of a morning person as well I mean I'm not saying get up at five o'clock in the morning person because that's kind of gross But you know, I like to get up and get going and I'm usually falling asleep by 10 30 or 11 So, okay, I was you know, they say opposites attract.

My wife is a night owl and I'm a morning person. So, okay interesting Yeah, no, we're about the same. If you could have dinner with any person in history, who would it be and why?

Um, I'd have to say it's kind of not an exciting answer, but I'd have to say, because I am actually a chef by trade. [00:04:00] Um, or I say I'm a recovering chef. Um, I'd love to sit down with Julia Child because she was such an iconic American chef who trained in France. And actually I went to the same school that she did.

And, um, I'm really a foodie, so I kind of like talking about all things food, so I think she'd be a really interesting person to talk to. Favorite ice cream? Um, Haagen Dazs, um, pralines and cream. Okay. It's nice to have a fellow foodie on the show. I'm not a trained chef, but I'm, I'm minor in chef. That's, that's what I do for stress relief.

I cook. Awesome. Yeah, I do too. I love, I love cooking and I've kind of taught it to my kids a bit too. And I'm interested to see that they like to cook as well. And my partner, he can cook, but we joke about it because he doesn't. But I always say, you know, I heard a rumor you can cook and he goes, uh, but I do [00:05:00] most of the cooking.

Okay. I, uh, I, I fell in love with cooking when I was younger. I grew up in a family that just everybody cooked. So. Awesome. Something I've always done. I don't like cooking in small kitchens though. Little nasty galley kitchens. Yeah. You need space to spread out. Right? Yeah. So much. Trista, what purchase of a hundred dollars or less have you made in the last year that's had the biggest impact on your life?

Oh, that's a really good question. Um, Well, you know, I have to say it sounds kind of funny, but my water bottles from Costco, 25 bucks for two of them. Um, they're a little over a liter and it helps me gauge how much water I drink. And so when I drink two of those a day, I know that I've completed my water consumption.

And I think that makes a huge difference in your life. My mom always used to say, my mom was very young looking and beautiful. And she always used to say, [00:06:00] drink lots of water, makes your skin wonderful. So I always keep that in mind and try and drink all my water. Okay. What are you most proud of? My kids, no question.

I didn't think that one was going to be a stretch for you, but yeah. What's one random fact that people don't know about you? Um, I really like SpaghettiOs. Like the Chef Boyardee? Oh yeah. In the can SpaghettiOs. And to make it even worse, I like them with white bread.

I can't criticize. I still love top ramen. Right. There you go.

What is one thing everyone should know before we dig into today's show? Um, you mean should know in [00:07:00] general about life or about me? About you. Um, I tell it like it is. I'm never going to, um, fluff something over to tell somebody what they want to hear. I'm just not that person. I never will be. I never was.

And consequently, that spills over into my parenting and my partnership and my business and everything. Um, what you see is what you get. I am me. I love it. Love it. Guys, we spent just a few minutes getting to know who Krista is so that as we go into the next part of the show, you know, a little bit about her, we're going to dive into changing your mindset about dating.

We're going to roll our sponsor and we'll be right back with more from Kristen Lawson. How well do you sleep at night? Do you toss and turn and wake up more tired than when you went to bed? Sleep is commonly one of the critical elements people fall short on in their life. The quality of sleep you get directly affects your ability to control your weight, your ability to add muscle, your stress [00:08:00] levels, and your everyday job and life performance.

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Now let's go on to the show. Guys, welcome back. In the first part of the show, we just spent some time getting to know who Krista is before we continue this conversation. In this part of the show, we're going to talk about changing your mindset on dating. And Krista, I got to admit, I was like, when you and I connected, I was really excited about the possibilities on this because this is a really uncomfortable topic.

And this is not something that I actually can really help my audience with. I, I've been married now for 22 years. That's awesome. And when, when guys ask me about dating, I'm like, [00:09:00] um, I try and date my wife. It's my marriage better, but, uh, it's really not my, so I, I I'm really excited to get some insights from you today.

About dating, because this is just not my field now for those of us, like myself, who are way off this, I like what little bits I see on the modern dating scene. Just scare the crap out of me. Can you, can you give us some insights? What does it look like dating in 2023 in the, in the 2020s era? Well, I'll tell you the word that I used to use and made me start doing what I'm doing is it's soul crushing.

It's just, it's embarrassing. It's humiliating. It's uncomfortable. And I haven't met anybody who Right [00:10:00] off the bat says, oh, yeah, I love dating. This is great. You know the prime of my life nobody feels that at all and I mentioned earlier. I have a 21 year old daughter. So I talked to her about dating too.

Of course, I know nothing and I'm a complete idiot when I'm talking to her But I do hope that she hears it and processes it and turns it into her own idea or whatever but it's difficult because today's And I'm not even going to say one generation in particular, because as, you know, a 57 year old person, I do it myself.

We hide behind our phones and we hide behind our screens. Right. And I'll tell you years ago, um, we went to the dentist and. We were in the dentist's office. I had all three kids for a dentist appointment and two kids that they knew that they went to Paddling camp with every day came into the office Because they had appointments on the same [00:11:00] day.

And when we left I said, did you see those guys there? Did you say hi and my daughter goes mom you don't just say hi to people and I'm like, yes You do and then at nine o'clock that night She gets a text saw you at the dentist today, and I'm like Okay, like this is crazy, but this is what people do they hide behind their phones and their screens and so people who Are nervous about dating or maybe don't have confidence or if they're just genuinely not great authentic people, they can, they can hide, um, in texts and conversations that are superficial.

Um, they don't necessarily have to have an accurate photo of themselves. So it can be really difficult from that perspective. And a lot of that's where a lot of people run into problems. And it's men and women. It's not just women. Women would swear they're the only ones who have the [00:12:00] issue, but it's men and women.

Um, where you talk to somebody and they're absolutely not what they seem to be. So you invest time and energy in connecting with somebody only to find out that that's not who you're connecting with. Oh my goodness. I actually saw, what was it? I think it was a YouTube video, right? Because everything, you see everything on YouTube these days.

Of course. Screens. More screens. And it was, uh, some female influencer took on a male profile for her little brother, because he was just, he, he, he, he'd given up on dating entirely. And she had never had a problem with dating and she's like, Oh, it can't be that bad. And so she took on like his profile and she was just poured the different experience she had from being on like her profile.

Yeah. Uh, on this dating app [00:13:00] and it's like, you know, so men and women have their own, each one is facing their own, you know, uphill battle on different areas of this modern dating landscape, but it's just crazy, right? I I'm, I'm, uh, 43, right. I'm not incredibly old, but I wouldn't even know how to date at this point.

Right. Honestly, like I'm, I'm so grateful that I haven't married this long. My wife still puts up with me cause I wouldn't have put up with me this long, but I can be a little difficult. I know, but it's, uh, it's such an incredibly different world just, just in the last 20 years of what dating looks like, right?

I grew up, you, you met a girl at school or church. And chances are that's, that's whoever you ended up marrying was coming from school, church, or [00:14:00] college, where I came from. Right. So now I, I have friends who go to the bar to meet people or it was like, are you going to the bar to meet people or are you going to bar to drink?

Or hookup. Right. Yeah. Is that really, I had a conversation with a friend of mine, he's like, is that really where you're going to find the most quality connections? I'm just saying, you know, not, not judging. I used to go to the bar more, but it's, it's not really where you go to find quality connections. I don't really know.

But it doesn't sound like the opportune place. So, Christy, you had an experience with this, right? And that's kind of what started this for you. Can you tell us, tell us what was your experience with this? Well, yeah, I absolutely did. And, um, it's kind of interesting. Um, I met my [00:15:00] partner online on tinder, which everyone's like, Oh, tinder is terrible.

Tinder is easy and it's, it's mindless. So it works. But, um, my boyfriend also went through the dating experience. So I kind of draw from both of our experiences, which is really helpful for me. But you know, it was tough because you'd meet somebody online, you'd connect with them and you'd have a couple of conversations and then they'd ghost you, which was, you know, you know, it's.

Left scratching your head saying, you know, I thought we were having a good conversation or, um, I'm kind of a big advocate for a little bit of Nancy Drew when you first start talking to people. So, I would do the Nancy Drew and find out that they're not at all who they said they were going to be, right, which is problematic.

Um, so there's, there was just so much junk to wade through and, and, you know, when you meet somebody and you go out on a date with them and the date doesn't work out. It's not a big failure. It's not a terrible thing. Each person [00:16:00] you meet is a connection. Each date you have is practice for the real one.

But sometimes after you do this on and on, you just start to think, is it ever going to get anywhere? Right? And so it can be so frustrating from that respect. And You know, a lot of the connections, like I said earlier, where you meet somebody and you connect with them, but then they don't turn out to be who they said they'd be, you know, they've got a picture that's 20 years old, and you go to meet them in a restaurant, you walk right past them because they don't look remotely familiar.

And that's frustrating too, right? Because honestly, you I mean, for me, honesty is huge. That's a deal breaker. If somebody is dishonest or misrepresents themselves or whatever, but honesty is so important when you are trying to meet somebody, um, especially online, because if you don't have that honesty, then the first meet or the first connection that you have in real life with somebody.

It's going to be a disappointment and [00:17:00] based on, on, um, deception, and that's never going to go anywhere. And people are crazy if they think it is, you know? So it's really hard, um, to keep positive and to stay with it. And you hear so many people say, you know what? I quit dating. I'm going to stay single for the rest of my life.

It's not worth the hassle. But I always believed from the get go that it was worth the hassle. You know, finding that person to share your life with was worth it. And I believe that more so, more so now than I ever did.

Now you, you hit a point where you've shifted your mindset. What, what does that look like? Right. Cause I know, I know some single guys who are very frustrated with dating scene. They, they, I, [00:18:00] I, I struggle because they're good friends of mine who, you know, I just, I just watch it beat their ego. Down and I'm not talking like a bad ego.

Just like they're that's the wrong word. I'm looking for no, I know exactly what you mean They're, they're self image, right? They erode their confidence over time. Yeah, it's um, it's, it was difficult because like I said, so many people want to quit and I went through those times, right? I would delete the ass and say that's it, I can't do this anymore, it's ridiculous.

And, you know, I would have that soul crushing feeling and that, you know, questioning myself and writing down pros and cons and I admit there were times when I might have been that person who posted, you know, venting on Facebook or whatever. And a couple times I've seen an old post come up in my memories.

And one of them I saw not that long ago was from six or seven years [00:19:00] ago. And it, and essentially I was saying, I'm pretty sure I have more pros than cons on my checklist. I don't know what the problem is and why I can't meet somebody. And so, and that's what it is, you're, you reach a point in your life, you know, here I am a reasonably intelligent, not so horrible looking human being who cares and wants to find somebody.

But I can't I I'm not connecting with anyone. And so it got to the point where, um, I always want to find an answer, like, I curiosity killed the cat I'd be dead a million times because I want to know why things happen and how they work. And so I started researching. Um, dating and relationships and I took courses and I actually took a relationship accreditation course so that I knew, um, how the interaction between men and women and, and the best way for relationships to work.

And I learned [00:20:00] about, um, believing in myself and, um, having faith in my ability to attract somebody. And I learned that. Um, people react in dating situations in different ways for different reasons, so that I could have a little more grace when I was talking to somebody. And I understood and became aware of the fact that I was nervous, but that didn't mean the guy wasn't nervous too, right?

And so, learning to accept myself for who I was and appreciate myself for who I was, and also understand the people I'm interacting with at the same time. Was really what made the difference between feeling frustrated and kind of lonely and dejected all the time to having hope and feeling more positive and knowing that I was going to find that person and attract him into my life.

I should unmute myself. There we go. [00:21:00] That's an interesting observation, uh, that you focused on just seeing people at their core, you saw yourself and went, this is who I am and how I'm feeling. And that's okay. And this is another human being and they're feeling and they have their discomforts and oh my goodness, you've treated people like humans.

Yeah, and it's difficult to understand to really believe because you know when you're in the moment of feeling, you know, nervous or rejected or undervalued, it's hard to take yourself out of yourself to look and see that the other person may actually feel the same way. And forgive me, I'm not, I'm not mocking you in any way.

I'm, it's so frustrating for me because so many people lose that aspect of in, in this modern [00:22:00] world of technology where we're stuck behind screens all the time. We have lost touch with connecting with people on a human level and going, Hey, you know what? I have apprehension about this. You're probably a little uncomfortable too, huh?

Right. We definitely human out of it. And so, like I said, I'm, I'm not mocking it at all. It's, it's such a pet peeve of mine. It's so frustrating because like, look, you know, you're a person. I'm a person. You have the way you feel. I have the way I feel. I'm uncomfortable here. You're right. This is real life.

And so many people are missing it these days because they're stuck behind a screen where it's safe. Yep. But this is what makes life fun. Absolutely. And this is when I talk to people. Um, I'm a big advocate of, um, when you're online dating that you connect with somebody and chat [00:23:00] with them for a week or maximum two weeks.

And then take it into real life because you're not looking for pen pal, you're looking for a connection and there's no way that you can have a connection with somebody through a screen, right? Tone is lost in text. How many times do we send an innocent text to somebody? That's completely misconstrued because you don't get the tone, right?

And so, um, I always say you need to get away from that and meet the person in real life just for coffee, right? The coffee, and I've been using this as an example lately. If you can go into a grocery store and bump into a great person in the produce section and have a conversation, awesome. But it doesn't ha happen that often.

So if you're on the dating apps, that is your grocery store where you bump into people, right? So you don't find somebody's life story and, you know, have your first date in the grocery store when you bump into them, you have connection [00:24:00] where you decide that you're going to go and maybe have a date if the person asks you out, or if you ask them out, so dating apps are similar, right?

You make that connection and then, okay. Let's see if we can go a little bit further and meet in person and have a date. But the dating never should happen in a dating app. It should happen in real life. And we would prefer to have connections in real life, but sometimes it's just not that easy. We've all become hermits in the past few years, right?

Oh yeah, yeah. The 2020s have not been kind for human interaction, for sure. Yeah. Have you experienced more that people are more likely to put a fake picture up more often than not? Or is it kind of balanced? I'm curious about that. Um, I would say it's probably about 50 50. Um, I don't recommend ever using pictures more than six months [00:25:00] old and absolutely not more than a year old.

Um, when I was on the dating profiles, my pictures were all very current. And I'm not totally photogenic, like, a good picture of me is somewhat hard to come by. But I rifled through my pictures and found the ones that looked best, but were authentic. And, you know, there's nothing worse than chatting with somebody and going to meet them and they look nothing like their picture.

And you don't want your first impression to be disappointment. I mean, that is, that's just not how you want to start. Dating situation, relationship, whatever you want to call it. So I think that a lot of people do put fake pictures up there. The other thing people do not necessarily fake, but. You know, that one time you went to a black tie affair and you look absolutely amazing.

You put that up there, but you really like hunting and fishing and going on your four wheeler every weekend, right? [00:26:00] It's not, it may be a great picture of you, but it's not a good representation of who you are. So that you have to keep that in mind as well. So complicated. So complicated.

I know for some people, like, I'm, I don't love, I, I've had to get better about like, Pictures of myself and actually having current pictures of myself in being a podcaster and, uh, the stuff I do these days. And it's like current picture, current picture, current picture. It's because your hair doesn't look right, right?

Uh, it's because I don't look right. I look at myself and go, I'm not that old yet, but we're our own worst critics. We are, we are for sure. Uh, I, I just laugh because I, I ask people all the time for pictures when I'm doing a podcast episode of people. [00:27:00] Because I use them for promotion and stuff, my guests.

And I'll have some guests who actually have several pictures ready to go. They're like, Oh yeah, yeah, here you go. I have other guests. They, they send me one and the picture is 15 years old. I'm like. That is not what you look like when we were talking to each other. Yeah. Uh, so then of course I have to go Facebook scalping and go through their profiles and find pictures and stuff.

Yeah. It cracks me up because some people don't want to take a photo. They're uncomfortable with the camera. And my wife is a photographer. She loves to take pictures. She doesn't want to be on the other end of the camera, but she loves to take pictures. Right. Well, I'll tell you from experience that. It's awesome.

But that's, that's a mom thing. And I look back and I don't have a lot of pictures of me with the kids. I have the kids and everybody else on the planet, but there are very few pictures of me. And I wish that I hadn't been [00:28:00] so stubborn about being in front of the camera. Because I would like to have me in these pictures too.

Right? A lot of value later. Now, I'm, I'm curious because you specialize in working with people over 40 in the dating world. What was that big dividing line? Why 40? Um, I mean, 40, it could be 45. It could be 50, but 40 just seems to be, um, the right age group where people start, things start to kind of change.

Um, once you're over 40, You start thinking that you've got limited time left to go. I mean, obviously you're going to live for a long time, but you think that in terms of a relationship and romance, that you don't have much time left, or you're comparing yourself to your friends and family who are in relationships and solid, and, you know, you're the single person on the [00:29:00] outside.

You're going to family events and, and parties with friends, and you're the only single person. So all of this starts to weigh on your mind. Um, a lot of women, once they hit 40, they start to worry that the men are only looking for a younger woman, which is absolutely not true. There are guys who are, but not all of them.

But it's just this aging, and you know, your skin isn't as firm as it used to be, and your body's not as tight as it used to be, and you know, you just, the whole aging process starts to weigh on your mind in so many different ways, so. So there's, um, a lot more of a mental game going on in your own head when you're over 40 than when you're younger.

Although, like I said, my 21 year old daughter, she's got a lot going on in her head that just baffles me. But, you know, it's just different as we get older. Kristen, can you believe there's somebody out there for everyone? [00:30:00] I absolutely do. And, you know, I, I guarantee you there are people out there who think I'm crazy when I say this, but I really do think that because.

We second guess ourselves and we think, okay, well, I'm not as pretty as that girl over there. Or, um, you know, I'm not as physically fit as that person over there. But the truth of the matter is, is that there's somebody for everybody because everybody likes different people. I mean, have you ever had the situation where somebody says, hey, look at this?

And you think, well, she's okay, but you know, not my cup of tea and that's everything. And that may be an incredibly beautiful, perfect body woman, but it's not necessarily your cup of tea for whatever reason. And it's because of our choices like that and the differences in us and human beings that I know there's however many, 8 billion people, 80, 8 billion people in the [00:31:00] world.

There's somebody out there for you. I mean, no matter who it is, and I know that all eight billion are not in your back door, but there really are. It's just a matter of understanding what you want and what's important to you, the must haves versus the preferences, right? And sometimes not having that preconceived notion of who it is that you want in your life is the big key to unlocking finding the person who really is right for you.

I think that's incredibly insightful. The thought of not having a preset. This is what I think that keeps a lot of people alone. It definitely does. And I mean, I'll say I always had, I'm five foot eight. So I'm not super tall, but tall enough. And I am not a slim five foot eight. I'm a good solid five foot eight.

And I've always been sort of self conscious about my [00:32:00] size. So I always wanted somebody, you know, five, 10 or taller and. When I was dating, I realized that there were a lot of guys who weren't that tall and it wasn't until I lowered my height requirement that I met my partner. And he's two inches shorter than me and, you know, it's a situation where he's five foot six and His help, his height helps define who he is, right?

You know, if he gets picked on because he's short or whatever, um, it helps make him a strong, confident human being. And I wouldn't trade him for anything. He's totally different than I ever would have expected. But it wasn't until I decided that the height was not an important factor in a relationship that I met him.

So, I'm a big proponent for that. I like it. I like it. I was listening to a show the other day and they were interviewing, uh, several women who [00:33:00] worked, like, the VIP lounges and stuff at Vegas. And they were asking, like, okay, what are your guidelines for men? You know, and it was like height requirements, money requirements, physique, right?

These, just this list. And the co hosts and they're like jotting down numbers that they're talking about. Right. And then they tabulated it up and said, well, your chance of meeting your ideal man is 0. 000, like all of them were. Seven decimals are several decimal points that way through the likelihood because of these unrealistic expectations that have been set because people live behind screens, right?

We show only the very best moments on social media and not necessarily the truest moments on social media. Oh, absolutely. And so we built this unrealistic idea of real human beings. [00:34:00] Yep. And it's true. I mean, you really. You don't know what you want. I think I mean, you can have an idea. There's certain things that are are, um, non negotiable, right?

Like honesty or a sense of humor or wanting to travel. Those things are non negotiable, but physical appearance and. You know, financial situation, that stuff really isn't that important, right? My ex husband always wanted to have a motorcycle and I always said, absolutely not. You will never have a motorcycle.

You will kill yourself. They're not safe, blah, blah, blah. Guess who rides a motorcycle now? And, you know, because I changed my thought because I, I met somebody who was really safe on motorcycles and he made me feel safe, but you just you just don't know. And when you kitchen whole people, and you decide in advance what it is that you have to have, then you're really missing out on some incredibly amazing people out there.[00:35:00]

Guys, we've been discussing changing your mindset about dating a little bit with Krista and the next part of the show We're gonna hook you up. We're gonna go through some dating tips and advice with Krista You got your own coach right here in your corner today And she's gonna help all of you guys who are looking and playing in that dating world right now With some good ideas to help make your dating life a little more successful To help you find that person who actually means something to you We're gonna roll our response and we'll be right back with more for Kristen Wilson.

Now, before we go any further, I wanted to share with you guys. I don't always tell you how much I love doing my podcast. Like I passionately love what I'm doing. And one of the things that makes my life better as a podcaster is to work with a company like grow your show, grow your show is a one stop podcast.

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Talk to my friends over at Grow Your Show. Adam will take care of you. I guarantee it. I trust him. He's my friend. He's my business. Colleague, and I wouldn't trust anybody else with my show. All right, guys. Welcome back. In the last part of the show, we were discussing changing your mindset about dating and looking at it from a different perspective in this part of the show, Chris is going to help us with some dating tips and advice to help you guys who are in this part of your life where you're still dating or starting to date again, whatever your case may be.

Krista can help you out a lot more than I can. So we're going to pick her brain today to help you as you navigate the difficulties of dating in 2023 and beyond. I called the perils and pitfalls of dating navigating the perils and pitfalls of dating. Right? I should say 2024 is it's almost, I was gonna say we're, [00:37:00] we're almost there.

It's amazing how fast years ago as you, uh, Get a little further along in life. I used to think time was like, I was like, Oh my goodness. Holy mackerel. It's been a year now. I was like, wait, we're already there again. Yeah. I still got a lot of 2023 left in my head. Right? No. So we mentioned anxiety earlier in the conversation about being on a date.

So let's start there just because we've touched it. How do you advise people to help deal with? Anxiety when it comes to taking that step, right? Just either saying yes or setting up the date or starting that conversation even. Well, I think a great way to reduce anxiety is to reduce expectations, right?

So go into, um, don't go into a date thinking, okay, [00:38:00] this could be the love of my life. That I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. Go into the date saying, I'm making a connection. You know, this is somebody that I'm meeting that I will have an interesting conversation with. And maybe it'll go somewhere, maybe it won't.

Reducing, lowering the expectations. And I don't mean to say, go into a date Saying, well, this person's going to be a troll and we're never going to work out. I just mean, don't go in with your eyes open thinking, Oh, this is going to be amazing. Right? So if you just go in with the idea that it's a connection, then you're going to be far better off when the connection is, you know, a higher quality or a lower quality, you're not going to be so crushed when that happens.

Now, obviously apps, app based dating is, is kind of where everybody's at these days. Uh, it's become, become the place to meet people. [00:39:00] I know some people still trying to meet people, whether at church or at the gym or whatever. And that's great. Please meet people where you can meet people. Absolutely. But you know, dating apps are not going anywhere.

They're they're kind of part of the new normal. And so how do you set up your profile to make the right impression? Profiles are great. They're like a landing for you, your sales page, so to speak, right? And the, the big thing about apps is like, I keep coming back to this is honesty, having genuine pictures and, um, like when you set up your dating profile, you should have a minimum of three pictures and there should be.

One picture, full body picture. I know people will rebel against that and say, no, that's not right. But you know what? It's not just because, um, people are looking for a slimmer person, [00:40:00] maybe somebody really likes curves, and they're not going to be interested in somebody who has a runner's body. Right? And people want a full body picture because they can decide if that is the type of person they're interested in.

You can't make somebody interested in somebody. They're not. Right. So a full body person picture is important. Don't put pictures in with somebody else because you've got a group of guys there and you don't want somebody looking at it going, Hey, that guy's cute, but that's not the guy who's in the who's dating profile you're looking at.

Right. You don't want to do stuff like that. Um, don't do don't put pictures. I said earlier, um, that are not. realistic in terms of who you are and what you like to do. So if you've got a picture of you hiking one time in your life, but you really like to Netflix and chill, then don't put a picture of you hiking because when you attract a person who is into hiking and outdoors and all that stuff, you're not going to have anything in common with that person.

[00:41:00] Um, the other thing is that I think is really great is if you can make. You can put pictures in that are interesting and a conversation starter, right? So if you put a picture of you hanging off the Eiffel Tower with a newspaper in your hand, then somebody can say, Hey, Brent, it's nice to meet you. What's up with the newspaper, right?

Or whatever. If you have interesting pictures, then it's a conversation starter and your, your profile should be all about conversation and starting conversation. And again, When you're doing your bio, your write up, you don't want it to be a resume. You don't need to tell people how intelligent you are because you went to Harvard or Yale or Princeton or whatever, because they're gonna figure that out when they start talking to you.

And you don't need to tell every tidbit of your life. You can make it more interesting with a paragraph that says something like, um, Hey, um, I have been on a lot of dates, but I'm really looking for my last first [00:42:00] date, which means you're looking for a relationship, not a hookup, right? So you found a nice way to say that without being sort of overt about it.

Um, we can sit back and watch a movie or go for a walk. But let's talk about how we're going to have breakfast under the Eiffel Tower, um, on, you know, after an amazing night on the town. So then that tells somebody that you like to travel and that you like adventure, but you're up for the quiet times as well.

So it's really about finding ways. to say something interesting and work on it, you know, spend some time on your profile, but say something interesting that will spark conversation and that won't tell everything about you. There should be some mystery because somebody should read your profile and think.

I want to know more about this person. So it's like a resume, you know, you don't want to give them everything you want to give them, but they won't call you. [00:43:00] Exactly. Okay. See that. I understand at least that makes a little more sense to me. Um, and you said you are very adamant about. Only chatting with someone for a short time before you actually set something up.

Yeah, you set something up with somebody. So you set yourself up for success in that event. Well, you want, you don't want to pay pen pal, right? So, um, there's, there's a whole masculine feminine energy thing that happens between men and women. And I'm a firm believer that when a woman is looking for a man or a man is looking for a woman, woman, we are best served if when we're in our, um, in our own energy, right?

So, um, Women should be leaning back in a more receiving [00:44:00] energy and men should be in more of a giving energy. So women, um, they can say something like, you know, it's, it's really nice talking to you, but I'd prefer to do it in person. But by the same standards, the man has to be willing to say, I've enjoyed talking to you.

Can we please get together for coffee? Because I'd like to meet you in person. And I think that when I say that they should meet after a week, And preferably a week, because that's all you need to know is if somebody's going to be interesting, you want to meet just for a coffee date, 20 minutes, half an hour, something that's a short time frame that you can get out of easily, in a public spot, so you're safe, and that is your initial meeting to decide if there's any chemistry and you want to go through with the first date, so make that first meeting just a short coffee meeting, and then the pressure's off, because it's not a date, there's not a lot of money being spent, and You don't have to spend a lot of time with this person.

[00:45:00] It's Hey, let's get together and see if maybe we want to have it. Okay. Yeah. I like that idea. I think that there's a lot of pressure when you start to go, well, how do I, let's plan this out. We, we talked a little bit, but you know, I still don't really know you. So how do we, how do I plan this? Is she going to like this?

Right. Uh, I think it gets to know you. Coffee sounds a lot less threatening. Yeah, and that's what it is. It's meant to be easy and safe and just to see if there's a connection and I mean, I, I say this and I want to have a little caveat here to see if there's a connection, you're not going to fall in love with somebody.

Probably not. And probably shouldn't fall in some in love with somebody the first time you meet them. But if you meet somebody and they seem interesting and, um, You know, you could see yourself spending some time with them. It [00:46:00] doesn't have to be like a heavy duty sexual attraction right from the beginning, because you can know somebody for, you know, a month or a year as friends and then things change.

Right. So I also recommend that people give others a chance. Don't look for that. Insane chemistry on your coffee date and say, Ooh, we are going out on a date and it's going to be electric. If you meet somebody and have a great conversation. When I met my partner, we went to Starbucks. We talked for two and a half hours.

And I said, okay, I will have a date with him. And there was a connection, but there wasn't like insane chemistry from the get go. But it was somebody that I knew I could spend time with and would like to get to know a little more. So I just challenge people to give a good person a bit of a chance because you need to know them a little more before a really good connection happens anyways.

And a lot of people will go into a date or coffee date thinking there's got to be [00:47:00] fire right from the get go and that's not necessarily true. I'll definitely agree with that. I, I married my best friend. My wife and I were best friends for years. And it like, we, we didn't even leave them in the same state.

Like we met at an event where I was visiting family and got into some great conversations and became pen pals and became, you know, friends just talking and chatting and talk to her over the next couple of years and only saw each other a couple of times over the next couple of years. And, uh, one night I was visiting in the area and her and I ended up talking for like three or four hours.

We, we had this amazing conversation. And I came away from that going, if I don't marry this woman, I'm stupid. I love it. We had, we didn't date or anything like that. It just, I had this epiphany and it's like, and she was not the normal kind of [00:48:00] girl I had dated. It was, we had just been friends and we'd been good friends, but definitely not my normal type of girlfriend that I dated or anything like that.

But I came away from this great conversation after years of us just talking and being friends. You would be stupid not to marry her. What's wrong with me? You know, my brain finally caught up and went, Hey, you should have been a little more aware of this sooner. I think that everything happens on a time.

Yep. Everything happens when it's supposed to. Right. And I think that, um, I think that your, your story is exactly what I want people to understand is, you know, the slow burn, getting to know somebody and things changing and somebody not being your normal type, but turning out to be, you know, your, your perfect partner, all of these [00:49:00] things are so important.

It sounds like you've got an amazing love story. I'm, I'm, I'm truly blessed. Uh, but yeah, that's, that's one of the things I've tried to tell so many of my friends over the years, so who are still in the dating world, it's like, this is the type of girl you always pursue so far that hasn't been exactly was working for you.

So maybe you consider that there might be another path there, right? You might, might broaden your horizon on this cause it, it surprises you. I wasn't looking for a romantic relationship.

So I think it's very insightful to go, Hey, let's, let's start here and let's talk and respond to this conversation. I love that advice. Respond to the, if you had a great conversation with somebody, that's cool. You know, you don't have to have [00:50:00] like these crazy sparks. We have all, all I have is hate Disney for this.

I really do. Right. Every Disney movie ever. Oh my goodness. It's the one. Yeah. I have more pet peeves about Disney these days than I used to. There's one pet peeve I had about Disney growing up, is all of these princesses like, meet this guy, like, Oh my goodness! Starship love instantly. I loved it. Finally when Frozen was like, You can't love somebody you just met.

And a good big sister. Yes. Yeah. But that's, people have this unrealistic idea of. Instant fireworks exploding the heavens part. And you're like, Oh, this is the one. Our connection is so perfect. Yeah, it's true. It's it's people want that right from the get go. And they set themselves up for disappointment.

And I also liked what you [00:51:00] said about going out with the same type of people over and over again. That's the definition of lunacy, right? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. And you can't, if you gravitate towards the same person, same type of people, and it doesn't work.

You need to change up what you're, what you're looking for in somebody.

What? I don't want to ask this. We'll get there. Okay. I'm going to get out of my notes. This is why I keep notes. Cause if I just get away from my notes, I can go all over the place. And it's getting a bad Chris up. What are three steps guys should take right now? If they, if they want to improve their dating situation, what are three steps men can take right now?

From this conversation to start putting themselves in a better position to date more [00:52:00] successfully. Um, well, the first step would be refine your profile. Make sure your profile is. Interesting and reflects the true you. Um, second of all, sit down and really think about what it is that you want in a partner and review your list and, and look at things in terms of deal breaker versus preference, right?

Um, You want a woman who is, you know, whatever, who's got a, the perfect gym body. Is that a preference or is that a deal breaker? And I can't say what's a deal breaker for somebody. Only they can figure that out themselves. But the things that are a preference, let those go and stick with the things that are deal breakers for you so that you're expanding the number of people that you get exposure to and the people you come in contact with.

[00:53:00] And. The third thing I would say is just believe in yourself because we have all made it to this point in our lives and we've accomplished many, many, many things. No matter who we are, no matter what we do, we've accomplished things, right? We're consenting adults who have done a lot in our lives. Embrace who you are and the things that you've achieved and understand that somebody is going to love you for all of those things.

And so learn to love yourself a little bit more. Because you will attract what you put out, right? So if you're sort of nervous and insecure, and you don't feel good about yourself, then you're going to attract somebody like that. So the better you feel about yourself, the more you work on yourself inside and come out with a positive, confident person, you're going to draw people like that back into your life.

What is next for Krista Mellison? [00:54:00] Um, next? Well I'm just going to keep going and doing what I'm doing, um, eventually I would like to move and be a digital nomad, but in terms of, um, work, I, I want to help as many people as I can, because I do have this crazy belief in happiness. And I will just keep doing that and enjoying an amazing relationship that I have.

Keep looking forward and staying positive. Where's the best place for people to connect with you? My Facebook profile is my best place. Um, it's just my name, Krista Malanson, M E L A N S O N. And I always send people there because you know what? You can see who I am. You can see my relationship and my kids and my life.

And, and you learned a lot about me just by looking at my profile and that. Can give you an idea of [00:55:00] who I am. And if you're interested in working with me, and of course, from there, you can DM me or comment or whatever. And of course, we'll have all of Krista's conflicting contact, contact information in the show notes and description guys, to make sure that you can find her and follow up with her.

Now, I know everybody is anxiously waiting to find out what country is the band ACDC from. You answered Australia and you are correct. They are Australian. Uh, I got to admit I'm a little bummed because when I like save this question, the way I read it was what country is ACD banned in from performing?

It's the way I read it in my head. When I put it down, when I asked earlier, I was like, That is not the way I read that when I actually put that question in there. So guys, if you guessed Australia, you were right. Uh, I know I got some metalheads out there who [00:56:00] are truly devoted music people who understood this one already.

But if you didn't, they're from Australia. Krista, if whoever listening here is nothing else today, what is the most important thing you want them to hear? Believe in yourself and the ability to find love in your life. You're worthy. You deserve it. And there's somebody out there for you. Don't ever give up.

Krista Melanson, check her out. Krista, thank you for hanging out with us, taking time to be on the show today and for helping my audience in ways that I can't. I appreciate that greatly. Thank you so much. It was amazing talking to you. As always, be better tomorrow because what you do today, we'll see on the next one.

This has been the Fallible Man podcast. Your home for everything man, husband, and father. Be sure to subscribe so you don't miss a show. Head over to [00:57:00] www. TheFallibleMan. com for more content and get your own Fallible Man gear.