Calm the Storm Five Powerful Techniques to Defuse Marital Conflicts Fast

Calm the Storm Five Powerful Techniques to Defuse Marital Conflicts Fast

[00:00:00] Today we're talking about the moments that can make or break your marriage. The heated arguments, the standoffs in the kitchen, the tension's so thick, you can't even look at each other in the eye. This is the reality for most married men at some point, and it's exactly why you need deescalation tools you can trust.

Most guys believe that the only way out of conflict is to power through the argument. Let's just power through. Keep debating until someone gives up or walk away to cool off. Cool off a little. You've been taught to think that time is the only healer when temper flares, but that's not true. The truth is time doesn't solve anything.

If your body and brain stay stuck in a fight or flight situation, it's no longer funny. Let's try something else. Instead of retreating our bulldozing, you can reset the entire emotional tone in just a few minutes with the right tactics. These techniques aren't therapy cliches. They're drawn from hostage negotiators, neuroscience and field tested research on how men's psychological re.[00:01:00] 

How men's psychological response to stress works. They work because they interrupt the body's stress cascade and rewire your reactions fast. So here's the plan. In this episode, I'm gonna walk you step by step through five deescalation techniques any husband can use to stop a blow up in his tracks and it works really fast.

Oh, they. And before we get to those, I wanna share my personal power deescalation move. That's helped me personally diffuse more conflicts than I can count using a little bit of all five techniques I'm gonna break down later in the show. So guys, here's the quick rundown. It's a pattern interrupt with a quick reframe, a change of venue, sit down, slow down, and then practicing active listening.

What that actually looks like is very simple. A pattern interrupt is something that it subtly engages two other senses at the same time, so that might be while the conversation's blowing up, [00:02:00] you point like you're looking something so her eyes turn and then you either pat your leg on the other side or snap on the other side.

This is immediately gonna engage two of her senses, which is actually going to disrupt the electrical flow. To the part of her brain that is yelling right now or unhappy. That's why you're short circuited. Now, the quick reframe is really important because you don't want her to think you're trying to switch the subject.

So as soon as I do that, I turn around with, so it sounds like, Sarah, you want to say her name, not honey or deer. It's, it sounds like Sarah feels angry or whatever she's feeling right. What that does is it lets her connect that you're actually listening and trying to understand. So the next line outta my mouth is to change venue, so it sounds like Sarah is angry.

So let's grab our drinks and sit down and you can share what's making you feel angry [00:03:00] or frustrated or upset as I sit down with her. If there's a reason I want a drink in her hand, this actually lowers the threshold of frustration and anger, but it's the warmth or cool of the drink that's actually disrupting that.

As I'm sitting down with her, I am making eye contact and smiling, but I'm breathing slow. In and out. In and out, you're gonna, she's gonna subconsciously start to mirror your breathing and body language, so it's important that you do it correctly. Then I practice active listening. At this point, we have deescalated really, really, really quickly.

Now, this move takes practice, but will instantly bring deescalation to any conflict with your spouse or even your kids in less than three and a half minutes, but. I've got more for you. That works. But this is a power move because it combines several of the tactics we're gonna talk about later in this [00:04:00] show.

But any of them are gonna help you. It's when you combine them later, that makes it even more powerful. Now, after Word from our sponsors, we're gonna go through the five De- escalation techniques that this process I use was built from. You'll see why it's so effective. Gentlemen, we're at MyPillow house. I have dozens of MyPillow products I use every single day from my dish towels and regular towels to my pillows and sheets.

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And shopping with MyPillow helps keep us on the air because. You getting something from them helps. Gives us a small percentage of that without any extra cost to you and helps us keep this show rolling so you can get your favorite podcast. Now, let's get back into this show because deescalating. Your spouse quickly is a really critical skill.

Skill if you're gonna make your marriage go a whole lifetime. So let's get back to it. The Driven to Thrive broadcast purpose, growth, and lasting impact for men, helping men go from living to thriving, purpose-filled intentional lives. Welcome to The Driven to Thrive [00:06:00] broadcast purpose, growth, and lasting impact for men.

I'm your host, Brent Dowlen, and we help men go from simply living to thriving purpose-filled intentional lives. Alright, let's dive right back into those five techniques you came here for. Technique number one is the arctic clamp, and it's something for you, not for her. That's important. Lemme explain. The arctic clamp is a cold triggered pressure reset.

You press something cold like an ice pack or a gel pack. Wrapped in towel or not against the side and back of your neck guy is right there below that ear. Put that there for a minute. Next time you get into an argument and you're spiraling, if your temper is rolling up hard, guys, say nothing. Grab a cold pack, place it against your neck, and take slow breaths.

If you're near the sink, you can splash cold water on your face instead. But I highly recommend the cold pack. Why? Well, when you do this, you're not avoiding the issue. What you're doing is you're pulling your nervous system out of that [00:07:00] red alert mode, red alert. This is a physiological response to control your system.

I. This makes you capable of responding instead of reacting. So you don't have that temper response. Without that reset. Every technique you try will absolutely fill force. So if your temper is part of the issue in this conflict, this is a instant reset. Like I said, don't try and do this to your wife, like she's gonna freak out if you grab an ice pack and stick in our head.

But this is an instant reset for your nervous system to put you in a great position to be able to deescalate the situation. Now, this first technique can reset that nervous system, and like I said, it's more for you than your spouse, but if you don't follow up with the right mindset shift. It won't have the lasting impact you need to get through this.

So number two is tactical empathy, micro labeling. This comes straight outta hostage negotiation playbook, and it's very simple. You simply label [00:08:00] what you think she's feeling in a single sentence. So it sounds like this. It sounds like you feel unappreciated. Then you stop talking. Let the silence do the work.

Now. From my example, at the beginning of the show, you'll notice I put in the name, her name. That's really important and that will come into effect later. So I would say it sounds like Sarah feels unappreciated. And then stop talking and just let her do the work. You see, men tend to default to fixing mode or debate.

Debate mode, debate, debate, debate. Let's see how I can talk. Men tend to fi go into that fixing mode or that debate mode. And if you've been on a show before, we've talked about fixing mode can get you in trouble. Well, debate mode will definitely get you into trouble, but labeling shifts you into empathy mode, lowering her defenses and showing her, you see her as a partner and not an opponent.

This is the fastest way to melt resistance. You are literally [00:09:00] telling her that you're understanding. Are trying to understand which gets you points. So you get points for that. They're trying to understand what she's actually expressing and that feel is an important word when you're talking to women.

That's a powerful way to diffuse a tension in a situation. And if you really wanna break the cycle of frustration, you need a way to snap both you, both of you out of the argument mode completely. So number three is the pattern break queue. When emotions surge, you need an instant jolt to break the cycle, and this is your pre-agreed upon reset.

So earlier I mentioned that I do a pattern interrupt. This is not the same thing. A pattern interrupt is something I am forcing A pattern break queue is a pre-agreed upon reset signal. So this is you getting pre. Preventative is not the right [00:10:00] word. This is you getting preventative. Okay? This is you preemptively setting up how to deescalate these situations quickly.

Now, it could be clapping once or flipping a light switch on and off in the room you are in or holding up a goofy picture and you both laugh about it. You both agreed on this beforehand. So like I said, this is a, we are planning ahead and if we have an escalation, if we have an argument. This is how we're gonna diffuse the situation.

We agreed on this. You both agreed on this beforehand, and it means pause. We need to reset, right? It's the timeout. Time out, time out, time out. It's like, alright, time out. Wait. This is getting escalated. Your brain can't process threat and novelty at the same time. So by injecting humor or surprise, surprise, you can interrupt the primitive flight response and create space for better choices now.

This May is gonna vary depending on who you are as a couple, right? [00:11:00] If you guys have a lot of tension in the house and y'all don't have a sense of humor, then one of you dropping your pants in the middle of the fight probably isn't gonna solve a problem. But if you guys both have a pretty harsh sense of humor, this could be something as simple as y'all agree that.

When one of you starts to escalate the other just drops their pants, trust me, it's going to snap you out of it. But you have to have a sense of humor in your marriage for that. So you guys know you agree upon what it looks like ahead of time, and it will absolutely help you put a pin in the fight and get back to a better place to communicate.

Let's put a pin in this. So interrupting the pattern is a great way to cause a pause, but if you don't bring your body back in alignment. You're still gonna find yourself spiraling where we, that's where we get into step number four, technique number four, and that's locked in breathing sink. Now, this is awkward and weird [00:12:00] if you don't put it into practice first, but all this is, is a shared breathing exercise to pull you both out of the adrenaline response mode.

Once again, this is something you guys have to agree on beforehand. This is preemptively learning to fight in a healthy way. Right? We've got the pattern break queue right that you preemptively set up. Next step would then be standard. Sit, shoulder to shoulder, and inhale for four. And exhale for six together for 60 seconds.

No talking.

You are co-regulating your nervous systems together, which is sinking you two back up. Now, this still is, like I said, stupidly awkward at first, and it's something you have to talk about beforehand. It creates this. Unspoken bond that makes problem solving possible again, and is incredibly powerful, but you have to [00:13:00] power full.

We'll see if I say the word in one, one word instead of multiple syllables, powerful, it's incredibly powerful, but it creates this unspoken bond that makes problem solving possible. Again, like I said, this is a preemptive agreed upon. We're gonna break it and then we're going to do this and it's gonna sync us back up.

This is a pro move guys. Having a plan for how you fight. Uh, one of my favorite relationship books is called Fight Night and I highly recommend it for you guys 'cause it's all about having a pre-designed plan for how to fight in a healthy way and as a couple. But this is an example of how that works.

Guys, sorry to interrupt the recording. I was doing the post-production and I realized that I said Fight Night. Fight Night is a live and virtual event that the same authors offer. The actual book is called The Good Fight, how Conflict Can Bring You Closer By Doctors Les and Leslie Parrot. Uh, it's available on [00:14:00] Amazon and I'll put a link in the description for that as well.

But Fight Night is a live event. That same information will be found in the book, the Good Fight by Dr. Less and Leslie Parrett. Now, sorry about that. Let me jump back to the show. I just don't wanna send you guys to the wrong resource that synchronizes, that synchronized breath technique can calm your body, but you don't, if you don't also shift your perspective on the conflict, the same issue's gonna keep coming up.

So we move into technique five, which is the third person angle, instead of narrating the argument in a first person. You describe it using your own name, and this is where I interject using that name in that earlier statement. I said, so you can journal for some of you guys who are. Into journaling before you talk on a fight.

Uh, that's a pattern. That's something you learn in the book. Fight Night is when things escalate. You stop it, you breathe, and then maybe you go both write down what you're [00:15:00] feeling instead of blowing it up first. But it would sound something like this in your head or in your journal instead of saying, I'm angry because I'm feeling dismissed.

I would say Brent is angry because he feels dismissed, but he values connection more. Did you just talk about yourself in the third person? Now, it sounds kinda odd, but self distancing helps you see the argument, like a neutral observer. This is the reason that I interject that into the earlier. Tactical empathy.

Instead of saying, it sounds like you feel unappreciated by saying, it sounds like Sarah, who is my wife, feels unappreciated. I'm taking that off the me and separating her out to look at it from a third person in one sentence, and that's why I use the name I told you, you played in later. Self distancing helps you [00:16:00] see the argument like a neutral observer.

It short circuits the brain loop and reduces emotional flooding. You can literally change your brain's perspective and see it as an outside observer instead of happening to you, and it helps break that emotion out. Now, once you've distanced yourself from the emotional charge, you are gonna have a clearer lens to approach your relationship with a fresh perspective, and that's where real growth is gonna happen.

But being able to deescalate so you can have good conversations or fight correctly instead of having these over the top ridiculous blowouts is really important. So I want to throw a bonus technique at you guys. Before we start the wrap up, and so number six, because I love you guys and I want you to have lots of tools in your belt for this is the temperature check statement, and instead of launching into a defense or a counter argument, try simply saying, can we pause for 30 seconds?

I [00:17:00] care about you more than winning this debate or argument. Don't say debate that sets you up to lose. I care about you more than winning this. Then count silently to 30. This single sentence does three things all at once. It signals that, one, you are not the enemy. Two, it disrupts the escalation loop and three IT models of vulnerability without being weak.

Try it next time. Just that one sentence. You'll be surprised just how quickly that energy will start to shift out of this escalation pattern and into a real conversation. Now, we covered a lot of ground today, and I think you can see how my power deescalation move at the beginning of this episode. This piece out of.

All of these techniques, and I've been using 'em for years, can be so effective because the superpower of these deescalation moves is not any one [00:18:00] technique. But when you can actually combine some of these techniques, you can deescalate things. Literally. You can deescalate a fight in less than 30 seconds.

Any of these techniques are gonna help get the ball rolling in the right direction. But when you combine a couple of them. That's when you're cooking grease, guys. So let's recap Arctic Clamp to reset your physiology. That's a you thing. Micro labeling shows that you're listening. That's very important to her thing.

To deploy a pattern break queue is a pre. Tive. We plan this so we know how to fight better. Breath sync will reconnect your nervous system and that third person perspective will help regain some clarity. Throw in the temperature check statement, which will help you gain perspective on the argument of we are more important than whatever we're about to argue about.[00:19:00] 

You've got something really, really good to deescalate that fight quickly. Now, like I said, this will work most effectively with your wife. This will also work with your kids. It will confuse them if you haven't talked to them about this. I highly recommend the book Fight Night because really it's great to have a preemptive plan for how you fight.

It's a very practical approach. These tools are fast, they're practical, they're proven. But here's the thing, knowing the tools isn't gonna be enough if you don't practice them. That's why I said that one I introduced you to at the beginning is kind of a pro move. You gotta, you gotta practice that one to get it right.

If your relationships are not where you want 'em to be, I want you to know I got you back. Relationships take a lot of work and can fall on the back burner pretty easily. As your empire building in your life, men often suffer from damage to the relationships that matter most in their life while they're trying to provide and do everything they do as men.

And then you're in a more broken position because you did all this work. But the [00:20:00] people who matter most aren't where you want them to be in your life. So if that's the situation you're in, reach out and schedule your free discovery. Call over purpose driven men.com. To learn the skills you need to connect deeply with the people who matter most in your life.

Guys, thanks for listening to The Driven to Thrive broadcast. If you got any value of the episode, share it with another man who wants to build a marriage that lasts. Be better tomorrow because what you do today, and we'll see you on the next one. The Driven to Thrive broadcast purpose, growth, and lasting impact for men, helping men go from living to thriving.

Purpose-filled intentional lives.